Closing Hurt

I think I have written this letter at least a thousand times in my head. It has taken on many versions but they all include the desire for closure. I realize I don't actually need you for closure, but sending this thought out into the universe seems appropriate for me. So here goes ....

Dear You,

I'm sorry. No, I'm not just sorry. I want to express the deepest most sincere apology to you. You asked for space so my extreme reaction could subside. That was three months ago. I'd like to think it has subsided but it lasted for much longer than I anticipated because I thought I needed to talk to you in person for it to actually go away. I don't think that will ever really happen - you and I together in person. I don't believe you want to be friends any longer. You asking for space seems to be a polite way to say goodbye to me - to distance yourself from whatever stress I caused you. I believe I lost what little trust I had from you. Or what little bit you let me into your life. I know you well enough to know that.

I had a strong reaction to what you said. I was angry at those who came before me and hurt you. I was angry that those people ruined my expression of love. Mostly I was angry because people have hurt me too and I knew the place you were in. It felt weird to be on the other side and I hated myself for causing that sort of pain for someone I cared for; even if it wasn't directly me causing that pain, I was an echo of those that did. I realized that I don't have any control over the past and that made me angry too. And I hurt because you shut me out. Feeling all those things at once and not knowing what to do with any of it hurt really bad too.

And I lost you - the person I talked to most.

So I'm not just sorry for what happened and how I reacted but I want to be sorry that awful people exist and hurt others and I want to be sorry that you ever experienced any of it.

I also wanted to help. I've been there too and I know how much work it takes to overcome. Overcome is not the right word though because it is a constant struggle. I have to remind myself to enjoy things, to not freeze up, and to breath. Sometimes I forget to remind myself.

I also wanted to say thanks. Thanks for trusting me enough to try. Thanks for being there over the year we became friends. Thanks for listening and responding all the times that you did. And thanks for challenging me too.

Maybe after more time/space you will want to speak again. But after two months of no communication it's time for me to move on. I am sorry. I had wished that you might message. That you might say "Happy Belated Birthday" or "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Happy New Year." But those times came and went. I did not message you. You did not message me.

If you don't remember anything else from this message - I just want you to know that I grew a lot from our friendship and will always hold you with high regard and I'm sorry for how things ended.

Goodbye for now.

But until we speak again, please know that I wish you a lifetime of opportunities for all the happiness in the world.

With sincerest apologies of love,
An Old Friend