Poem

I wrote this poem a few weeks ago in reaction and response to the recent news coverage of the LGBT suicides and to homophobia in general.

This is NOT an "It gets better" poem.

It IS a "WE CAN MAKE IT BETTER" poem.

It is called, "Will You Stand?"

So..
Will You Stand?


I can understand feeling so alone
that you would want to take life
and hold it in the palm of your hand
before chucking it into the wasteland

I can understand how everything can be so out of control
that the only thing remaining is breath - the breath of life
and yet life remains theirs
the fears that one day their worst dreams will come true
so that at least for now it is best to just take a step off the chair
exhaling
before the rope tightens
wound around silencing their voices

I can understand the stress to just keep on breathing
To remind yourself that not everything has a purpose
and not everyone understands
that the looks and comments don’t mean a thing
because labels only hold truth if you let them
and I long ago found the bounds that tied the words to me and I cut them

I can relate to those feelings of hate
Directed at me but not for me
for hate is just fear
and have I not said things that could create hate
just because I was afraid
so why should I let those fears bother me now

I have long felt the betrayal of silence
Just standing by while the hate continues to take
to the air wishing it would fly away
and not just south for the winter
Hate that comes down bursting like bombs
rippling out like water after a stone has been thrown
plunging down into the depths
The depths where the silence is heard but never broken
Where some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs but don’t
Because I can't or Because I won't

That defeating silence -Where the battle is lost before it’s begun
So Deafening - you wonder – if there was ever sound?
Or the rhythm of your heart - Beating
Where People, full of knowledge, remain voiceless, wordless, unspoken
And everyone’s lives remain Broken
because the line between what is and what could be has become a wall so tall
that try as you might you just can’t see at all

But it’s time now for this silence to start breaking
so Today I Stand and Speak Truth
so maybe one day our youth
will believe that
Life
Is Worth
Living

© November 2010

QUIET!

I’m QUIET
Or so I’m told
QUIET?
Yet, I think I’m bold

Why must QUIET be so bad?
Does QUIET equal sad?
Because right now QUIET is Mad
Talking to talk is not talk at all
But why must I talk to walk tall

You label me QUIET
But I want to define
Still - Calm - Tranquil - Silent
QUIET - You say because I don’t speak
Let me assure you it’s not because I’m weak or meek

The quiet, the calm, the silence and still
The moment you actually use to prepare
That moment you have to think to yourself
And arrange all your thoughts like books on a shelf

The QUIET you see is no QUIET at all
Because inside my brain nothing stops nothing stalls
The reason for QUIET is that there is not
One simple and somewhat complete little thought
But many ideas that continue to spin
Many times they just never end

So that silence you hear
Lack of noise; void of words
Is QUIET - like that tree that falls
Did you see? Were you there? Was there sound to be found?

Cuz, I hear what you’re saying and I kinda agree
But inside I’m just not QUIET as can be
Cuz QUIET to me, is the tiniest sound
When that golden red leaf falls to the ground
And when I speak up, when I have something to say
That QUIET you thought just washes away

Cuz QUIET is more than no noise
Yes, QUIET is the calm and the storm
QUIET is Rain running - Hail bouncing
Thunder booms and Lighting strikes
QUIET is the whistling wind
And waves crashing on the shore
Yes, QUIET is such a bore

But I’m quiet
Or that’s what I’m told
Quiet!?
I’m BOLD.

copyright 2010

Five Hour Energy

This commercial is really pissing me off! There is so much to say about the "second job" she has! Why is the husband the "know it all" who is NOT helping put away the groceries or anything!  What does this commercial say about women who don't have enough energy to do both of their "jobs" ... oh ... don't worry we have the solution - five hour energy. But yeah it is still your responsiblity to have a job and take care of the family so your husband can read a magazine. And don't forget to give him the credit for thinking that five hour energy is the solution to your lack of energy problem. Not like he should get up off his butt and actually help do anything. He is "just a man" clearly he can't handle doing any housework!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cqsDtClCs0

Eve's Mouth

Alix Olson

Love is Love

Showed this in class to represent heteronormativity, heterosexism and homophobia.

Rachel Maddow

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Watch the end with Melissa Harris-Lacewell.  She is amazing!!!  Check out the quotes I love below.

"There is no place in the world and no time in history where restricting women's reproductive rights makes a people or a nation more free or more equal.  These extreme positions on abortion are without any question a war on American girls and women and the fact that there are women who are both complaisant and participatory in it is really neither surprising nor unprecedented.  It is always been true and it is incredibly important that we recognize that despite the fact that we can be very proud of these women as women and as politicians that the question is how do women as citizens fair on the other side of them being elected or not elected."

"The point of government isn't to make life so hard for half of our citizens that the only force there to help them is god. We as a government and as people deserve and should do better."

Just Because

I'm amazingly happy being the truly wonderful unique person that I am!  There is nothing you can say or do that will make me think any different. 

change?

Do Does Did
I Me You
Fit Belong ?

I thought I found a place where I was able to fit or belong. But really everyday since that time I have felt distant, not a member of the group. What has changed? How have I changed? How have I created the distance that separates us?

Belonging Part 2

I just had this thought. Or I thought it while I was writing the first post but just did not articulate it.  Belonging may seem like it is about fitting in with a certain group of people but real belonging is more about accepting yourself. Because if you accept yourself then you will "belong" anywhere. However, before you can accept yourself you must know who you are.  So ... Who are you? What's your name? When you look in the mirror do you fully accept the person that stares back? The person that has flaws; the person that makes mistakes.  If you can truly accept yourself then what would stop you from accepting others?

How are you creating a space of belonging for others?

UPDATE:  I just found this video as I was searching for other songs by Ellis on youtube.  But I just love this song now and it seems to fit with my most recent posts.

Love and Belonging

Last summer I read two books by Marisa de los Santos, Love Walked In and Belong to Me. To this day, I still love and remember the messages of those two books.  You don't always find love where you think you will and belonging is something we continually search for as we enter each phase of life.

Have you found where you belong? What have you been searching for? Where have you looked?

I believe that as we search for love and belonging we will find ourselves.  Or I suppose that as we look for ourselves we will find love and belonging. For many people, their immediate family and home may be the place they first find love and belonging.  But equally, I'm sure, people find nothing resembling love or belonging and leave their home environment to find it elsewhere.  The entire book Eat, Pray, Love  by Elizabeth Gilbert is written on finding just those things in three very different places. In her case, it was a love of life that she found and the spirit of belonging wherever you reside.  In talking with many college students and being one myself, it seems that finding belonging is their/our ultimate goal. They are usually searching for their place in the world.  For quite awhile, I connected to Taylor Swift's song "A place in this world."  I didn't know what I wanted.  I felt alone and on my own in figuring it out. I was "just a girl trying to find a place in this world." And for awhile I didn't feel like I was really doing anything or going anywhere.  There was no progress just life. But now I know where I want to go and it is just a matter of getting there. Of course sometimes a step forward comes with a step back but as long as there is forward momentum I am hopeful that things will continue to work out.

I feel like I have bounced around a lot on where it is that I belong. Is it with this certian group of friends? How about these people over here or those people over there?  In my search, I have learned a lot about myself.  I have learned where I don't belong but am still hesitant about where I do belong.

23 Things I have learned in my 23 years:
1. Sleep is important and getting too much is just as bad as getting too little.
2. Worrying about the small stuff is not a productive use of time.
3. It is important to indulge your inner child and experience that child like joy once in a while.
4. Spend time with those you love.
5. Find something that relaxes you and do it often.
6. Everyone is different but it doesn't mean you can't get along.
7. Make sure to send Thank You's.
8. Being organized is not about subscribing to the popular notion of organization.
9. Be early or ON TIME.
10. Find something you like about yourself everyday.
11. Learn how to say no ... politely.
12. Set aside time for quiet reflection.
13. Spread Joy whenever you can ... it all starts with a smile.
14. In most cases, reading a book is better than watching a movie.
15. You are probably a feminist and don't even know it.
16. Take time to enjoy nature and its beauty. When was the last time you looked at the stars?
17. Make sure to set your privacy settings on social networking sites.
18. Exercise.
19. Be willing to change but not for someone else's sake.
20. Believe in yourself and anything will be possible.
21. Adopt a pet from your local shelter.
22. When you figure out your passion, find a way to turn it into your job.
23.  It is easy to let others depend on you but hard to give up control to others .... but trust is one of the most rewarding things... try it.

Why are you looking in so many places and not just within yourself?

"I have looked and not found myself in wrong places, spaces, ideas. You do not reside in other people, classes, groups. True identity comes from within and that is found right where you are, right where you sit, right where you live. " Part of a poem from 2008

Labels

Obviously, I am a very liberal person. I dislike identifying as a christian because of how others tend to lump that into being a part of the "religious right" or part of the conservative political party. And it annoys me to no end when a friend starts using scare quotes to talk about my beliefs. But it is all part of the label system. If I identify with any one thing, a label can and will be applied to me whether I want to use it or not. Then certain assumptions end up being made and are referenced to personal experiences.

Labels are really amazing if you think about it. Some extremely organized people may meticulously label everything; others of us organizationally challenged may be extremely satisfied just to know where our stuff is. I rather like the pile method. There are different piles and I know what each is and where to find things. I don't need to actually label them as I know what is there. However, when I try to explain to another person, then I will have to simplify that pile into one or a few words. It is helpful to simplify which is why labels are so popular. And yet I extremely dislike them. Labels when applied to people usually are used to identify one aspect of their identity as it relates to part of a subgroup of some sort. You can label your sex, gender, relationship status, education, ethnicity, race, socioeconomic status, political affiliation, religious beliefs, sexual identity and so much more. You could label what kind of music, movies, books or food that you like or prefer.

When I was in the 9th or 10th grade I wrote a journal entry all about labels. I was unaware at the time that it would become such a part of my life; my dislike of labels.  We are so much more than our simplifications yet that is how we know people. I very consistently use labels to understand people. I know I put people into categories ... the conservative christian, the socialist atheist, the liberal christian pluralist, or the radical feminist.  At the same time labels may make our lives easier the amount of times that people deviate from their labels makes it more complicating than anything else.

There are many labels people may apply to my life but I always feel like I deviate enough from the norm of that label to null and void its use. The only label that seems to fit regardless is feminist.

However, I suppose a list for myself could go something like ... female, daughter, sister, student, smart, Portuguese, niece, cousin, granddaughter, single, college graduate, white, middle-classed, democrat, feminist, social activist, liberal christian, blogger, photographer, artist, writer, ally.

Are you more than the labels assigned to you? What labels have you applied to others? What labels do you use to simplify yourself?

Keith Olbermann after Prop 8 was passed

Investigating

About four months ago, I was interested in determining how various churches handled the "gay question." Some churches post it right on their website while others require a bit more investigating. I emailed a few pastors and got some interesting and different answers. You would probably be surprised at the variation I received within a single church but maybe not.

I also looked at the passages commonly used or referenced in relation to homosexuality in multiple translations of the Bible.  There are only a few and what they say seems to vary based on the translation. Some translations have decided to use the word homosexual but is it justified in those locations?  I don't think the specific passages really say anything specific about people who are in loving relationships with people of the same sex. They may say something about an actual sexual act. But what was meant by those words? I think that many of the passages are very specific to the time period and place they were written for and to compare it to today's definition of being gay is absurd.  But it is all up for interpretation and every church and person aptly has their own.  And mostly I am okay with that.  Diversity is a beautiful thing and productive conversations are great.  What I am not okay with is people that turn around and use their belief and/or interpretation to stop others who have a different belief and/or interpretation from their pursuit of happiness.  What is the standard for an accepted belief? Is it majority wins? 

I learned from my small and potentially expanding investigation that most churches that are actually welcome to having LGBTQQIAAP people fully participate in the church are the ones that post something on their websites. Those churches that say nothing. Or have vague statements of accepting everyone usually have a "Don't ask; Don't tell" policy when it comes to being LGBT because it won't be a big deal if nobody knows. (Cough .. Cough... HETERNORMATIVITY!!) 

How can churches/denominations of Christianity prescribe to the same god, use the same book and end up with such differing views? And why are these hot button political issues such a big deal?

Personal Note: I posted something similar to this at the end of last week .... but I was not satisfied with its incompleteness and choose to edit it down for content. This is in no way a complete answer as I could go into specifics on the verses or how different denominations hold different beliefs on this issue.  I choose not to include that because I don't want to get into a debate about specific things people interpret differently. I am not using this post to say anything specific about the churches I spoke with. Even if you ask, I won't tell you which churches or denominations I did speak with suffice it to say I spoke with multiple.  The last questions are really meant to be rhetorical because I know the answers I just wanted to ask them.

Listen and fall in LOVE with Jenna Lindbo

Three years ago I had the pleasure to meet and become friends with Jenna Lindbo. Even if you have only met her once, I guarantee you would never forget her. She is so full of life and enthusiasm. Her songs are beautiful and deeply moving.  Watching her play is ... well check it out for yourself. If you aren't drawn into her irresistableness and absolutely fall in love with her music then I think you may not be capable of ever doing it. Check out her website for more info http://jennalindbo.com/



I still fondly remember the day we spent getting coffee and then jamming in Washington Square Park in New York City.  She had her guitar and I had my journal.  As she sang out for all to hear, I played along tapping out a beat on my journal.  Random people stopped to tell her how great she was. It was such a great day! In fact it was the fourth of July and my last full day in NYC. The day would be completed with a cruise to watch the Macy fireworks, getting true New York Pizza with Jess and her mom and then taking the subway back to our dorms and running in the drenching rain huddled under one umbrella while stopping to get food for Sara. 

One day long after that trip, I found myself humming a song.  Finally, I figured out that it was a song that Jenna had played and I recorded on my camera. Although it was not one of her original songs, the "remember me" lyrics of Iron and Wine's The Trapeze Swinger was really amazing to listen to at least the part I recorded.

Since that time, I have followed Jenna's music, after she started pursuing it, and was absolutely thrilled to learn of her CD coming out soon. I can't wait to get one. Below are some of my other favorite songs.

Is this my song?

There are two songs that have been my favorite christian songs for four or five years and when I hear them, they can take me back to when I first discovered them when I first went to a christian youth group. The two songs are Audience of One and O Praise Him. I can remember listening to Audience of One on repeat for such a long long time. Here are some lyrics ...

I come on my knees
To lay down before you
Bringing all that I am
Longing only to know you
Seeking your face
And not only your hand
I find you embracing me
Just as I am


I think what I liked so much about Audience of One was the acceptance in the words, "I find you embracing me - Just as I am."  And that is after "bringing all that I am." I think those are the words that many churches could learn a lesson from. For example: a church that I have gone to, I could not become a member of. I am excluded from that title and group, not that I would want to be a part of it anyway. And it is all because I don't "[adhere] to [the] standard [that] should be the norm for a follower of Christ." That is what in their opinion is the "norm" for a follower of Christ.  Or what they think "should be" the norm.

However, all churches seem to have a different opinion of exactly what the "norm" is for a follower of Christ. When I was in middle school, I underwent a mission to try to define "normal."  I asked friends, family, and random people in chat rooms on the Internet.  I engaged in some really awesome discussions and some that lacked maturity. My findings confirmed that normal really depends on who you ask and varies based on the individual characteristics of the person answering the question. So it goes without saying that churches will vary their definition of the "norm for a follower of Christ" based on their own individual characteristics.

Of course all this begs the question, Jessica why on earth are you going to a church that would exclude you from their definition of the norm when there are so many churches that would actually accept you and all that you bring? And my answer is that I don't go to church for other people. Sure, I could find a church that lines up more closely with my own beliefs and sometime in the future I may go to one, but I go to church to worship and god embraces me just as I am after knowing all that I bring god embraces other people after knowing all that they bring. As different as my beliefs may be from other church goers, ultimately we are all there for the same reason.

I think the true "norm" for a follower of Christ can and should be found in the lyrics of this song. Can't we just embrace people for who they are?

And I say that, knowing that I don't like how the language of a "norm" will always exclude somebody.  Because the language of a norm or normal implies that some will not fit into that model. And having experienced the view from the margin, I would hate to marginalize anyone.

Fraudulent Christians

Today's post comes after reading a sermon of the same title.  I have recently been looking at sermons online through one specific church within my community. This one comes from 2006.  I clicked on it because of the title.  I often feel like a fraudulent Christian (not that I label myself a Christian very often). Or like I am living two different lives. (Maybe because I am) One where I am confident in my beliefs and the other where I constantly question and doubt everything.  But I firmly believe that one could not exist without the other and for this I am thankful as it is the doubt and outright disagreement of certain things that makes me pursue and seek it more to find the real truth behind all the differences and interpretations.

The scripture for the sermon is John 15:1-8 and Acts 8:26-40.

It is the words of John that are particularly interesting here. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing."

Abiding. That is an interesting thought. I feel that the pastor of this sermon said it best. "To be authentically Christian means simply taking Christianity as our spiritual home and taking our fellow Christians as our family."  It doesn't say that we must believe certain things or follow some sort of rules or laws. To be Christian means to participate in that relationship where it is okay to question and doubt just like you may not always love(or like) your family and you may have disputes within your home so do Christians with their faith.  But as long as you "make your home in God" and live in your faith then you will produce fruit.

Being a Christian is not about checking off items on a to-do list or adhering to a specific belief; it is a relationship where you can grow in your faith and help others to grow in theirs.

A while ago I read a book by Donald Miller called "Searching for God Knows What."  It was within that book that I saw the same principles of John 15:1-8. I feel that the whole point of the book was to make you see how important your own personal relationship is within Christianity and that it is not just some set of rules. I read the book in a 24 hour period.  I loved the idea of a relationship instead of some list of beliefs because faith is so much more than a list, although lists can be helpful. Sometimes I think many people try to find their faith from other sources or from something outside themselves but really your faith has to come from within.  What is the cornerstone of your faith? Is it the size of a mustard seed?

Toy Story 3

Recently, I watched the new Toy Story 3 movie. It was really fun and entertaining. But I wasn't expecting to fall in love with Barbie all over again. Barbie and Ken were new characters in this film and I would argue have some of the best moments in the entire film.

When I was a young girl, I owned a lot of Barbie products. I had an entire corner of my room dedicated to my barbie stuff. Friends have told me how they loved to come play at my house because I had so many cool things. Somehow I don't really remember this. I think those memories have been shadowed by life's other events.

Regardless, I remember playing and having fun with all the pink products. One of my favorite memories, I couldn't have been more than four years old, was playing with my grandma. We tried to change barbie's outfit and upon having difficulties fasening Barbie's pants my grandma said, "She ate to much turkey and now they won't fit." We laughed and laughed over that and it became a joke within the family for awhile. That poor plastic turkey.

I created my own Barbie house out of the three shelves in my room and would endlessly reposition everything until it was just right, for that moment. I had a car and a horse stable and so much more. I'm guessing I even played teacher with all my Barbies especially after they introduced Stacy and the little toddler girl whose name escapes me, Kelly?

Anyway, Barbie in Toy Story 3 was amazing. At first you think she is a sappy girl crying as she is donated to Sunnyside, the day care center, but as the movie continues you find out just how badass and educated she really is. Go see Toy Story to see what I mean!

NYC PRIDE - 40 Years

Three years ago, I was in New York City and had the opportunity to watch the Pride Parade.  It was fabulous, funny at times, and too much "visual" at others (put on some more clothes people).  We got all sorts of free stuff on the side lines of the parade: papers, lotion, shirts, condoms, stickers.  I felt quite ignorant of LGBT history.  At the time, I did not know about the Stonewall Riots of 1969.  And I certainly did not know that the NYC Pride Parade is the oldest parade starting in 1970 after the Stonewall events the year before. It is the longest parade I have ever seen, a never ending rainbow of people and places that are supportive of the LGBTQ Community. We were there for at least 5 hours and left with it still going.  When I told someone that I had been to the Pride Parade they asked, "How was that?" like it was some kind of weird thing and they seemed surprised that I enjoyed the experience and that it would be one of the last things they would ever do. 

Throughout my life, I have known people who identify with one or more of the letters of LGBTQQIA.  In high school, the clique I was part of included those who identified with the LGBTQ community.  I remember one girl having difficulties taking her girlfriend to the high school dances, not to the degree of Constance McMillen but still the administration seemed to have problems with it.  It was easy for me to have my boyfriend of the time attend dances with me even after he graduated from high school. This is probably the first time I became aware of heterosexual privilege.

But I was not aware of my own homophobia until my first and second year of college when a close friend came out.  It was not that she identified as bisexual or lesbian that bothered me, it was a long time coming, but how everything suddenly seemed to be LGBTQ related or had to be LGBTQ related.  I respectful call it her "rainbow phase" and am thankful it only lasted a year or so.  I selfishly wanted my friend back.  I could not relate to her sudden enthusiasm for all things rainbow.  I now wish I had been able to understand that it was her excitement for finally being confident enough to be her true self in front of others or her friends at least. I hope that I did not act too homophobic at the time. Seeing as we are still friends I'm guessing I acted fine about it. I guess I felt like she was flaunting it or something. But really I'm sure I flaunted my assumed heterosexuality (during high school) much more but because it is so normalized within society we don't see it as flaunting. 

Since that time, I have became immersed in the feminist community through women studies classes and groups.  Being a part of this community, it is second nature to refer to your partner and leave out pronouns in order to be an Ally to the LGBT community and remove that heterosexism and heteronormativity, to actively go against the "norm."  

It has been somewhat shocking to be removed from that protective bubble of women studies. For the first time in years, I heard someone say "that's gay" when what they meant was "that's stupid"  or some other word. I haven't heard that since high school and even then some teachers were making an effort to stop people from saying it. 

I have also recently experienced women calling men gay for displaying "feminine" characteristics or knowing "feminine" things.  Which if you think about it is women being homophobic and mostly sexist toward themselves.  If you are female and you make fun of a male for displaying "feminine" characteristics then really you are just making fun of yourself or your stereotypical gender role and being homophobic in the process. This goes back to the basics of sexism.  What is the worst thing you can call a woman? Bitch, slut, whore, etc. What is the worst thing you can call a man? Fag, girl, bitch, pussy, sissy etc. "Notice anything? The worst thing you can call a girl is a girl. The worst thing you can call a guy is a girl. Being a woman is the ultimate insult" (Valenti). I would hope that women would refuse to participate in this kind of sexism that is ultimately really detrimental to themselves but alas they still do it. Also, it is really terrible how masculinity is enforced through homophobia.  But that could be a whole other post.

Another instance of homophobia I recently experienced was while watching some wedding show like "Say yes to the dress."  I was somewhat watching it while writing, within a group of women, at our weekly dinner.  There was a lesbian couple on the show and the show told the viewers their story of who proposed and such. I was actually happy about the fact that the show included them to begin with that it was annoying when the other women had to assign gender roles to the lesbian women, calling one the man-lesbian (who proposed) and the other the woman-lesbian. They felt the need to make sense of the relationship in heteronormative ways because both of the women were shopping for dresses and therefore were outside of the gender norm for a heterosexual relationship. And both were feminine lesbians (gasp!) which went against their ideas of lesbians being only masculine or butch. Or at least having one lesbian fit that masculine role within the relationship.  I immediately spoke up to ask them what they were doing and why they were doing it. "Why are you trying to fit this couple into stereotypical gender roles they clearly do not wish to belong to?" Really!? (Update: I knew when I asked them that it could have just as easily been me and my future partner on that show. Not that I was out to this group of women at this time.)

The point of this post is to make you think about your own homophobia and heteronormativity.  Really think about why you may want to say "that's gay" or why you tease men about being gay because of their display of femininity.  What are the real intentions behind your actions? Do you really want to perpetuate that kind of sexism and homophobia? What are you really afraid of? 

It is not June without a little PRIDE

"I was the first First Lady to march in a Pride parade, and it was so much fun. "

"But think about what’s happening to people as we speak today. Men and women are harassed, beaten, subjected to sexual violence, even killed, because of who they are and whom they love. Some are driven from their homes or countries, and many who become refugees confront new threats in their countries of asylum. In some places, violence against the LGBT community is permitted by law and inflamed by public calls to violence; in others, it persists insidiously behind closed doors."

"These dangers are not “gay” issues. This is a human rights issue.  Just as I was very proud to say the obvious more than 15 years ago in Beijing that human rights are women’s rights and women’s rights are human rights, well, let me say today that human rights are gay rights and gay rights are human rights, once and for all. "

"The struggle for equality is never, ever finished. And it is rarely easy, despite how self-evident it should be. But the hardest-fought battles often have the biggest impact. So I hope that each and every one of us will recommit ourselves to building a future in which every person – every, single person can live in dignity, free from violence, free to be themselves, free to live up to their God-given potential wherever they live and whoever they are."

Meryl Streep at Barnard College 2010

If you have the time you should really listen to the whole thing. She has some excellent gender discussion.  It gets especially good about 20 minutes in ... ENJOY!

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,


And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.


I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

Relay for Life

Last week, I had the opportunity to participate in the Relay for Life that supports the American Cancer Society. It was such an amazing event - really powerful and emotional. I had wanted to do the relay for a few years when I heard about it on campus but was always too busy to really do it.  This year I was able to go and I joined my church group. I raised $360. I had to raise my goal after it was met twice. I asked my mom if she wanted to do the survivor’s lap. So she and my dad came for the beginning of the event.

Walking the survivor’s lap was really interesting. Everyone cheering and clapping around the edges as the group of survivor’s walked around. But it was being in that group of survivor’s that was surreal. Cancer really affects everyone. And although I didn’t have cancer, I survived just as much as my mom and in the same way as my dad and brother. We made it through. And here they were clapping for us. Clapping because we made it.

I was young when my mom went through treatment the first time. Do you remember what you were doing/thinking/feeling when you were 11? Was one of your biggest concerns how your mom was feeling? In my 11 year old mind, I thought I understood but looking back I didn’t actually understand as much as I thought I did. My mom did chemo the first half of that year, which was the second half of my fifth grade year. My mom continued to work part time and was even my Girl Scout leader. The summer between fifth and sixth grade she did radiation and was all done with treatment by the time I started middle school.

Then two years ago she was diagnosed again. Although I was 10 years older, that same feeling was there. Would everything really be okay? I knew it would be but there is always that moment of doubt. It is a helpless feeling you have. Standing by as someone you love goes through such a terrible thing. There are some things you can do but nothing that stops it.

I once visited my mom while she was getting her chemo treatment that summer of 2008; I was going to relieve my dad who had taken the day off work to drive and be there for the eight hours of treatment. This was the third of four treatments so they knew the process well by this point. Because of my young age when she had cancer before, I never went to her treatments. My brother and I would stay with friends or our grandma.

It was weird to be on the chemo floor. Stations are set up around the edges of the room close to the windowed walls. Small televisions and headphones are provided along with magazines and other distractions. Some people had relatives or friends while others were alone. Everyone was at different stages of treatment. You hear of numbers and statistics but all that is meaningless until you put a face with it or a family member becomes part of those statistics or even yourself.

It was hard to sit and watch the process as different drugs were given throughout the day. These chemicals are supposed to target the cancer cells but also destroy good cells. As one bag of drugs emptied another was hung. My mom would note the time and calculate how much longer she would be there knowing it would be over soon but not soon enough. And yet she remained positive knowing she was one step closer to being done with all of it.

It has been almost two years since then and she is still free from cancer.  Her hair has all grown back.  The scans are normal.  And she has slowly regained some energy. She has survived.

After the survivor's lap, they had cake for the survivors and the survivors could talk while everyone else started relaying. The survivors could connect with their stories which is the point of Relay to show that you are not alone.  After my parents left, I walked the rest of the first hour. Then again from 9-10.

Later on at about 10, they had a family talk about how cancer has affected their lives. The mom and son had both been through it. But the son who was 15, I believe, had started treatment in the fourth grade and had taken many different drugs over three and a half years. They had a representative string of beads to show all the treatments he had taken.  And that string was something like fifteen feet long. The mom spoke of the heartache of watching her son go through such pain and I could identify with that in watching my mom go through her treatments. Then they asked everyone to hold up their cell phones for who they knew with cancer or how it had touched their life.  In the end, everyone was holding up their phone. There was a stillness about everyone holding up their phone. The silent lap followed with Divine, the women's accapella group, singing. Everyone piled onto the "track" and filled it all the way around. And we all walked in silence. There was this calmness in walking that lap. At first, I was walking mostly by myself, unaware of others, but by the end I was walking next to my fellow team members. I remember specifically realizing half way through how one person in particular was walking right next to me. There was a comfort in knowing they were right there with me and in knowing I was not alone. (If you were that person ... thanks!) I find it interesting how that lap has paralleled my own journey. For a long time, I didn't let others in. I was not open to looking for support. But once I did look around, I found people who were willing to listen, give advice, and just be there if and when I needed them.

I finished the Relay for Life walking the last hour from 6-7 in the morning. My pain from walking for almost 3 hours and tiredness from maybe 2 hours of sleep is nothing in comparison to those who go through cancer treatment. That is why I relay.

LOVE

I think love is an interesting topic.  There is so much to say and discuss. What is Love? When the Bible talks about unconditional love what is it talking about? How do you love unconditionally? How is this different from romantic love? What is romantic love? Do you believe in love at first sight?  How does that work? Is all love equal? Why do people judge or rank love?

There are so many questions and even more answers.  But I think first we should talk about what exactly love is.  Look at this wikipedia definition:

"Love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love."

We live our lives around all these forms of love and yet we never really sit down to discuss what that means. Most commonly love comes up when talking about romantic love.  Have you found that special someone? Do you love each other? And then there are all those other questions about engagement and marriage.  Have you found the person to spend the rest of your life with? As a female, I particularly dread this line of questioning. Sometimes I feel like that is all some people are interested in.  Sometimes I feel like I need to yell at them that I am a whole person! And my life is not defined and does not revolve around this idea of romantic love or finding that one special person as much as the media may try to tell me to the contrary. Currently, I know about six people that are engaged which I think is great.  But I didn't want to write this post only about romantic love so I feel the need to move on at this point. 

So let's jump into what the Bible says about love. It is quite a lot when you look in the concordance.  There are easily 50+ references to love. The Bible abounds with love. Right? Isn't that the main message? The great commandment is "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all you mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it : You shall love you neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 22: 37-40)  Or to look at John 13: 34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."

Jesus loved everyone no matter what, unconditionally.  So if love is caring for another person then what is unconditional love. Simply it is love without condition. It is loving without judging which is harder than it sounds.  Most people are quick to judge others or label them. Loving unconditionally requires an open heart and mind. It requires finding the positive and searching for the truth. Often we make rash decisions about individuals without finding or seeking for the real truth.

A radical idea that is not often mentioned. If you are to love your neighbor as yourself and you are to love one another just as God has loved us then you are to love yourself just as God loves you.  I think self love is one of the hardest things.  How many of you would talk to your neighbor the way you talk to yourself?  We all have this internal dialogue. Take a day and really think about the way you talk about and to yourself. Are you too negative? Would you talk to a friend, neighbor or acquaintance in the same manner? Why or why not? We are quick to judge others but quickest to judge ourselves. 

To go back to the first commandment to love God with all your heart, sole and mind. Many times we let other things get in the way of that.  Sometimes we fill the void with material things or just let life get in the way. Othertimes we fill the void not with God's love but with romantic love. I have done this. Many years ago I dated this guy for over two years.  After we broke up, I realized how I was using him to fill this void in my life. I truly believe that you have to know and love yourself before you can know and love another especially in a romantic way.  Also, you have to be open to accepting that love, which I think boils down to whether you actually think you are worth being loved. Are you going to accept something you don't think you deserve? How can you let another love you if you don't love yourself? How can people be so ready to accept conditional love from other people and not unconditional love from God?

Loving yourself is knowing your value doesn’t change when you open your heart to others. Or more simply loving yourself allows you to love unconditionally.

Would love to hear any thoughts on this ...  please comment ...

Be Who You Are

"Your job is to be yourself and my job is to love you no matter what."

Courage

Last week I decided to share about my recent two posts grace and faith to my church group. It was such a great experience. Although I may have been a bit nervous about sharing something so personal with a group of 50+ people that I didn't know that well, I kept it under control and let the story speak for itself. It was just on my heart to share my story. The results have been overwhelming from one person being really touched that night to the continued encouragement others have expressed.  It has been amazing to see how God has used me and my story to reach and remind others just how awesome God can be.

At Bible study last week we all wrote something nice about another person.  Mine said, "I loved listening to you at 242! Thanks so much for sharing! It was cool seeing how God's working in you! You are such a woman of God and I have really enjoyed getting to know you more this year :) Thanks for being someone I can look up to. :)" I am not sure who wrote it as we left them anonymous but it was really awesome to receive it.  Although I would never describe myself as "such a woman of God." Usually, I feel like anything but that.  So it was interesting to think about myself in those terms. I guess I feel like to be a woman of God you should be older and wiser or just have some kind of wisdom to share and I don't think I have this. But I can see how you would see that in someone you look up to.

Rape

The prompting of this post is from a discussion I had with a group of lovely women. It reminded me of the way we talk about rape. It reminded me just how pervasive victim blaming is and how the language we use to talk about rape very consistently blames the victim/survivor. When I asked why we were blaming the victim/survivor/in most cases a woman, I received a very defensive response. I don't remember the tone I used to ask the question so I may have contributed to the tone of her response. Also, because I directed the question at one person more specifically, I can understand the way she felt, like I was specifically accusing her. I'm sure I would have done the same thing. But when I asked why we were blaming the victim, it was not to accuse her or anyone of personally doing this but rather to make people question the way we were talking about it and to examine the language specifically.

Because one of the myths about rape is that "women are at least partly responsible for their victimization in terms of their appearance and behavior" (Shaw and Lee). Or to put it another way, "She should have known better." "This is the ultimate in victim-blaming" (Valenti). "Known better than to wear a skirt. Known better than to walk home alone. Known better than to be drinking. Known better than to be alone with a guy" (Valenti). It places the fault of the rape/sexual assault on the woman and her actions and not on the rapist. This leads to survivor's guilt in many instances and can be very detrimental to recovery. Speaking in this manner "assumes that rape is inevitable and that the onus should be on women to protect ourselves" (Valenti). Would you say that a man was asking for his wallet to be stolen? Or that he should have known better than to be dressed nice and "flaunt his wealth." Or maybe he should have known better than to be in that part of town or ride that bus/train/subway. The reality is we don't ask these questions because we know it is not what he did but the thief that is to blame. So why is it so difficult to apply this same knowledge to rape?

To go back to the group discussion, I felt that many were saying that "you should not put yourself in that situation" which I see as a form of "she should have known better." Because if you shouldn't put yourself in that situation then you should have known better than to let it happen, right? As a society we need to move away from speaking about rape in this manner. It is always what the woman should do to protect herself and if something does happen then she should have been more alert, less sexually expressive, not consumed alcohol, etc. Instead of talking about rape in terms of what women should and shouldn't do let's talk about the person doing the raping. The truth of the matter is there is nothing you can or can't do that ever warrants someone to rape you. Whether you are drinking or out alone, it is never the survivor's lack of "knowing better" because rape is really just about power and dominance.

A "rape schedule" is another thing we talked about. Although not specifically in those terms. Many spoke of not wanting to walk home alone, creepy parking lots and parking garages. No distance was too short or long when walking in the dark and no time specifically seemed to apply. Although walking home always brings back memories of when I was 21 and went to a concert at Bomb's Away Cafe, I was there with friends and they ended up getting pretty drunk. I only had one or two drinks as I was concerned for my one friend being so drunk. She started dancing with a guy who was somehow friends with someone else. Finally, I decided to leave and they wanted to leave too. The guy walked us home, like we would not have been okay by ourselves. At one point my friend asked why we were walking the way we were since it was darker and scarier. So of course I was annoyed and made a fabulous comment to the fact that "we are more likely to be raped by the dick with us (referring to the guy walking us) than by some random person jumping out of the bushes." And really it is true. There is this idea of the mythical rape that involves someone you have never seen before and they jump you and you fight and scream while they use force. However, the majority, 75-80%, of rapes are by people you already know. Now that is scary.

Fear is a very powerful thing that can be used to control others. I ask, if you are female, have you ever been free of the fear of rape? How has this fear controlled your daily life? If you are a woman then you have lived your life by this rape schedule. Not going out alone after dark. Walking to your car with your keys in your hand. Locking the doors after you get in. Having pepper spray available if someone should approach you. I'm not saying you shouldn't protect yourself or take precautions but I am saying that we should not be the only ones responsible. Still a women's sexual past will be brought up or what she was wearing or whether she was being promiscuous to somehow place the fault of the assault on her. Drinking seems to be of particular concern.

The history of rape includes ideas like women had to have resisted the whole time or people had to hear her scream for the crime to be valid or even considered rape. Rape was a crime not against the woman but her father, or husband as women were seen as property. "In the Bible, if no witness heard a married woman cry out, she was stoned to death for presumed adultery. A 1646 Chinese statute required evidence that a woman had struggled during the entire rape. Anglo-American law called for corroboration by witnesses who could attest that a woman had tried to resist male assault by calling for help or struggling" (Freedman). "In the slave South rape was once defined as an act of forced sex perpetrated against a white woman. denying legal recourse to all African American women" (Freedman).

Another myth about rape corresponds with the first myth about women's appearance and behavior that "men are not totally responsible for their actions. If a woman comes on to a man sexually, it is impossible for him to stop" (Shaw and Lee). Personally, I think this really connects to drinking or being impaired. Honestly, I don’t think people do that many things when they are drunk that they wouldn’t do while they are sober. Some things yes. But there is a limit. The idea that if a woman comes on to a man then that means she wants to have sex or that he somehow deserves sex is just total bullshit.

May Day

It is the beginning of May.  May Day brings back fond memories for me.  When I was younger, my brother and I would make baskets  from sticky weeds on our property to hold flowers.  We would pick some flowers to fill them and artfully arrange them in the basket.  Then we would take our creations over to our Grandma's house.  We would always try to sneak up the driveway and steps but I'm sure she heard us everytime.  We would carefully place our flower filled baskets by her door, ring the bell and then hide outside and wait for her to open the door and see our beautiful work.  She would always be full of praise about our baskets and flowers. 
It's amazing how much joy can come from such a simple act. 

When was the last time you did something just to bring joy to another?

Glee - Beautiful

Why I love Glee!!!

Last week they tackled feminism and how women are objectified.  This week it was body image.  This is a really great show. I hope you all are watching.

Faith

My current story is a story of faith renewed. I feel like I have recently found my faith; it was missing for quite some time. I was just going through the motions of life.

It seems my three words, from my previous post entitled Grace, are going backwards. I wasn’t ready to heal or even think about it. I could understand humility as a concept. I knew that I had to be humble to know and accept that I needed to heal but I was not ready for either. However, I was willing to participate when I wasn’t yet willing to be humble or heal.

So I started to really participate. That was two weeks ago. The first time being that night’s Sunday dinner. Then I went to 2fortytwo on Tuesday and bible study on Thursday. Again, I went to church on Sunday and dinner at the Ameele’s. All of these talked about seeking god. At least that was the message I heard.

What does seeking god look like? The simple answer is participating. You participate in that relationship. You engage in bible studies. You worship at 2fortytwo. You pray for yourself and others. You serve and use your spiritual gifts. You become open to god’s Love because god’s Love can’t change you if you don’t accept it.

It is amazing what you will find when you look for it. I was actively participating but healing and humility did not start to surface until last week.

Last Tuesday, I almost did not come to 2fortytwo. It was a friend’s birthday and everyone was invited out to dinner at seven. I’m sure it was fun but I knew in my gut that I belonged at church that night and not at the party. And I am not in any way judging my friends for not coming; I just had an overwhelming feeling that I had to go. I needed to hear the message that night.

So I was shocked when Mike Ower started speaking about 1 Peter 5:5 and that first slide went up, a picture of a wall with two words: Pride and Fear. Those words were what was stopping me from healing or even being open to the idea of healing. As soon as I saw that wall … I thought to myself … ok God I’m listening. I’m ready to talk about humility. I’m ready to be humble. Let’s see what You have to say tonight.

I took detailed notes writing down verses and other tidbits. Just a few things I wrote: Humility lets you become free to heal; God’s love makes you humble; Humility leads to strength.

My emotions emerged in the middle of worship. Tears because I knew I wasn’t being honest with myself. I was afraid of what I would find if I climbed over that wall or tore it down. Also, I didn’t think I had the tools to accomplish that task. How do you destroy a wall you built to try and protect yourself? It could have been that my wall was just a bit higher than the one in the picture. Maybe it was thicker? At least it seems to have taken a while to get through it. It is weird just how confining your pride can be and how difficult it is to overcome your own obstacle.

At Thursday night bible study, humility surfaced again. We were studying Psalm 62. And verse 8 really stood out as I looked at it. Trust in Him at all times, O People; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Two things I wasn’t doing. Trusting and pouring out my heart to God. In my journal I wrote, “Am I not really trusting in You and is that why I can’t just give this stuff up to You? Why am I holding on to these feelings? They should and need to be in the past and let go.”

Mike had asked us to define the qualities in a relationship in which you could feel completely free to share your deepest fears and anxieties. Trust was the first thing we thought of and that was exactly what was missing from my relationship with god. 

Friday presented me with the opportunity to really examine my life and let go of things. I went to the park and stretched out in the sunshine and re-read my testimony I wrote at the end of my freshman year of college. I had added to it slightly as a sophomore but hadn’t touched it in years. I found the file on my computer and found one of my original print outs. I was doing this because one of the things in the book, The Unmistakable Touch of Grace, was to break up your spiritual life into three parts and tell your story … you could share it with someone or just do it for yourself. I had the first two parts written in my testimony from before. But it was the last part, essentially the last 3-4 years of my life that I had not written about. To recap a few things that happened: my grandma passed away from ovarian cancer; I started attending 2fortytwo; my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the second time, ten years after being treated the first time; my brother and cousin both got married; my other grandma broke her ankle which facilitated a move of my grandparents into an assisted living facility; I graduated summa cum laude; my uncle got MRSA pneumonia after having the H1N1 virus and passed away; my aunt was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor that was causing double vision in one eye and she had gamma knife radiation surgery. Wow! So if you have talked to me in the last few years and I seemed distant or lost in my own world it was probably because I was. I wasn’t willing to share my worries, or how much I may have been hurting inside from some of these events. I didn't even want to tell myself so how was I going to tell others.

As I started writing about the last few years, I realized that I was not letting go of the feelings I had about them. All that worry and stress had built upon itself and it was terrible to carry that around. As soon as I let it go and gave it to god, I felt all the pressure release. The burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I am letting go of my burdens giving them to god to carry and worry about. I’m finding that as I let go new things can enter into my life.

At church this Sunday, we sang Overcome. And in the middle the Worship Leader prayed for us all to overcome and let go and heal. Hearing those words definitely made the hairs stand up. Here was my final word – Heal. “We will overcome by the blood of the lamb, and the word of our testimony, everyone overcome.” I had just been reading and adding to my testimony and the idea that we will overcome by the word of our testimony was just amazing. Because it was in writing and dissecting my life that I was able to let go, overcome and heal. Obviously healing is not something that happens overnight and can be a continuing process but being able to let go was HUGE.

To answer the last question from last night's Bible study: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being crawling and 10 being giant leaps, how has your relationship with god progressed over the last year? In the last three weeks I would say a 12. And a year ago it may have been a one with any of the middle numbers happening in between that time.



"All authority, every victory is yours"

Glee - Like a Prayer

Glee - What it feels like for a girl

Grace

So I started reading, "The Unmistakable Touch of Grace" this past week. And it has been opening my eyes and heart to seeing the presence of Grace in my life. The author Cheryl Richardson came to writing this book after finally paying attention to the power of grace in her own life.

In the first chapters, Richardson writes about when she started noticing grace. One example was when she met Michele, an intuitive consultant, who has a website with a "word magic" application that people are really drawn to. The application consists of eight bubbles of different colors that move around the screen. As you look at them, you are to ask a question or think of whatever you want and then see what the bubble reveals as an answer. Richardson was thinking of writing a book about grace but wasn't completely sure. She went to the website and clicked on a bubble after some meditation. The answer she got was "Grace." But because she had just met the woman who created the website she called her to see just what the odds of getting that word were. Michele told her that there are "more that 75 words available to be assigned to a sphere at any given moment and the words were assigned at random with each visit to her site." So the odds that she would pick Grace were more than a million to one. Not just a coincidence but the power of grace at work.

After finishing the first chapters, I was really interested in the Word Magic exercise and decided to google it to see if I could find the website. I found it and clicked on it. I asked as I looked at the bubbles float around, “okay … what do I need to be doing?” I was drawn to the pink bubble. The answer I received, "Heal."

"What? I don’t need to heal. I am fine. I'm doing pretty good," I thought.

So I went back to the main page and re-clicked on Word Magic. Again the bubbles started moving around on the screen and I asked, “What do I need to be doing?” This time I clicked on the green bubble.

The answer again was Heal.

I was completely taken aback. What are the chances that the same word would appear twice from clicking on two different bubbles? If the chance of getting one word appearing randomly is more than a million to one then what are the odds of the same word appearing twice from different bubbles on different visits to the site? Not just a coincidence but the true power of grace trying to show me what I needed to be doing. Healing.

However, I still didn’t believe that I really needed to heal; I thought I was doing pretty well in that department so I waited a few more minutes thinking about what I could possibly need to heal from. I came up with nothing. So I thought what the heck let’s do it again and if I get heal again then I guess that must be what needs to happen. But I don’t know what I need to heal from or how to heal.

Once again I clicked on the word magic application and the bubbles filled the screen. This time the purple bubble caught my eye and my answer was ...

"Humility”

All I could think was … ok. I need to be humble ok … how does this fit with healing?

And it was obvious that I had to get over my pride or arrogance. I needed to be humble with myself so I could see where and how I needed to heal. I could no longer deny that I needed to heal and I had to be real with myself about it. But that day, I was still not sure what healing needed to be done. However, I was willing to think about it. And the first step towards healing is admitting you need to. Or to put it in another way every journey begins with a single step.

The next day, Sunday, after attending church, I was contemplating going to the Sunday night dinner at the Ameele's. As I checked my facebook to see how many people had RSVP, I saw that I had left the Word Magic site open on my internet browser tab. So I clicked once more on it and picked the yellow bubble this time. The word was Participate, which is a pretty simple concept that really can apply to everything. I had just been asking if I should go and here was my answer participate.

Participating can be as simple as showing up or as complex as becoming a leader. Participate could mean to go somewhere you haven't or to have the courage to speak when you usually remain silent. Often it is the difference between hearing and listening.  In order to have relationships, you must participate in them. It takes two.  When one person stops participating, relationships tend to fail.

It has now been a week since that happened and the word participate still seems to be around every corner I turn. It is the answer for bible study questions or whether I should go do something. Also, I began to really examine my life and find where the healing needs to occur. I'm still working on it but I'm feeling better about it.

Are you participating in your life? Are you participating in your relationships be it with god, your spouse, your family, your friends, coworkers, students, groups, organizations, etc? Are you participating in a positive or negative way? How are you going to change the way you participate? Are you just standing on the sidelines listening or are you engaged in the discussion?

I encourage you to actively participate in something new this week.  You never know it may be the change agent of your life.

Sneaky Gays

Glee is so great!

Greys - Pray away the Gay

Katie Couric Interviews Ellen

Watch CBS News Videos Online

NYS Senator Eric Adams

"You don't have to be gay to respect the rights of those who are. You don't have to be black to understand the pains of slavery. You don't have to be Irish to understand the pains of those early Irish immigrants.  You don't have to be Italian to understand the pains of those first Italian Americans that settled on the lower east side and had to fight their way through the American system and denied merely because of where they came from. "

"You don't have to be gay to respect that two people that meet each other and fall in love want to be married."