I haven't posted in quite some time. In one of my last more personal posts, I discussed the role religion had played in my coming out. I wrote this post some time ago but I'm posting it now.
It is sad to think that coming out was the driving force for leaving a church community. Having not grown up with religion - it was never something I completely relied on. But I did enjoy it while I could. That is until I kept thinking that if any of the people I was getting to know actually found out that I was a card carrying lesbian and also believed in a God that they "knew for sure" did not approve of my "lifestyle" - I knew there would be some discussions had and friends lost in the Church community I was attending at the time. (I know there are many open and accepting places).
I came out pretty early on to a good friend who I had known for 7 years at the time. She grew up going to a Baptist Church, and was registered as a republican though would've been considered a hippie in appearance for at least part of her life. She is still deeply involved with her church. She said in her response to my coming out that it wouldn't change our friendship or how much she loves me but that she didn't know if she could be happy for me either. And I get that. But in that moment of reading those words - our friendship had changed. How can you love someone if you can't be happy for them? As much as she may have questioned my decision to come out, I surely questioned whether she would support my future decisions in the same way I supported hers. I could still be happy for her ... but she didn't know, at the time, if she could for me. She also acknowledged that it was not her place to know or judge what was right for me.
Her response was very real and depicted that struggle that I have seen from conservative religious folk as they question the "rightness" of homosexuality while also trying hard to not lay judgment. Honestly, I was saddened by her response. I was troubled that my sexual identity would/could ruin our friendship. That I could ruin our friendship just by being me.
But as that has come to pass some time ago. We remain in contact from time to time despite our physical distant. We discuss some of life's moments. I tend to leave out the gay things. (Does that mean I tend to leave out myself?)
I try to understand how people have such a hard time with something that goes against their core beliefs. While I may disagree with those beliefs, it doesn't make their feelings or my life any less real. And I think that all who come out go through those same feelings she was having. Can you imagine not being able to be happy for yourself? Can you imagine knowing that your attraction, that feels so right and normal to you, is not 'right'? Can you image growing up or going to or believing in a faith community that actively says that who you are is wrong, that what you feel is wrong, that you must change, etc.? Grappling with these differences can be the most challenging thing and leads many to take their own life. Internalizing those messages can be very hard to overcome. And is an ongoing process for folks in the queer community.
So it is really sad to think that coming out could be the driving force for leaving a church community. Sad that many are turned off from religion because their sexual identity is generally not approved by other folks in that religion. Sad that of all the reasons one might leave church, sexual orientation was it. Sad that a public statement of an identity would lead to not being able to be present in that community (where present is more than just showing up). Sad that so many people face the tough decision of either being true to themselves or keeping their community. Finding new community is hard. And being true to yourself can be even harder.
I'm not sure these ramblings have a point. And I'm not sure they need to have one. I lost community because I decided to be true to myself and come out. My friendships changed. But I also made new ones. And I'm not hiding who I am. I can only really know what is true for me... and you can only know for you...
