Relay for Life

Last week, I had the opportunity to participate in the Relay for Life that supports the American Cancer Society. It was such an amazing event - really powerful and emotional. I had wanted to do the relay for a few years when I heard about it on campus but was always too busy to really do it.  This year I was able to go and I joined my church group. I raised $360. I had to raise my goal after it was met twice. I asked my mom if she wanted to do the survivor’s lap. So she and my dad came for the beginning of the event.

Walking the survivor’s lap was really interesting. Everyone cheering and clapping around the edges as the group of survivor’s walked around. But it was being in that group of survivor’s that was surreal. Cancer really affects everyone. And although I didn’t have cancer, I survived just as much as my mom and in the same way as my dad and brother. We made it through. And here they were clapping for us. Clapping because we made it.

I was young when my mom went through treatment the first time. Do you remember what you were doing/thinking/feeling when you were 11? Was one of your biggest concerns how your mom was feeling? In my 11 year old mind, I thought I understood but looking back I didn’t actually understand as much as I thought I did. My mom did chemo the first half of that year, which was the second half of my fifth grade year. My mom continued to work part time and was even my Girl Scout leader. The summer between fifth and sixth grade she did radiation and was all done with treatment by the time I started middle school.

Then two years ago she was diagnosed again. Although I was 10 years older, that same feeling was there. Would everything really be okay? I knew it would be but there is always that moment of doubt. It is a helpless feeling you have. Standing by as someone you love goes through such a terrible thing. There are some things you can do but nothing that stops it.

I once visited my mom while she was getting her chemo treatment that summer of 2008; I was going to relieve my dad who had taken the day off work to drive and be there for the eight hours of treatment. This was the third of four treatments so they knew the process well by this point. Because of my young age when she had cancer before, I never went to her treatments. My brother and I would stay with friends or our grandma.

It was weird to be on the chemo floor. Stations are set up around the edges of the room close to the windowed walls. Small televisions and headphones are provided along with magazines and other distractions. Some people had relatives or friends while others were alone. Everyone was at different stages of treatment. You hear of numbers and statistics but all that is meaningless until you put a face with it or a family member becomes part of those statistics or even yourself.

It was hard to sit and watch the process as different drugs were given throughout the day. These chemicals are supposed to target the cancer cells but also destroy good cells. As one bag of drugs emptied another was hung. My mom would note the time and calculate how much longer she would be there knowing it would be over soon but not soon enough. And yet she remained positive knowing she was one step closer to being done with all of it.

It has been almost two years since then and she is still free from cancer.  Her hair has all grown back.  The scans are normal.  And she has slowly regained some energy. She has survived.

After the survivor's lap, they had cake for the survivors and the survivors could talk while everyone else started relaying. The survivors could connect with their stories which is the point of Relay to show that you are not alone.  After my parents left, I walked the rest of the first hour. Then again from 9-10.

Later on at about 10, they had a family talk about how cancer has affected their lives. The mom and son had both been through it. But the son who was 15, I believe, had started treatment in the fourth grade and had taken many different drugs over three and a half years. They had a representative string of beads to show all the treatments he had taken.  And that string was something like fifteen feet long. The mom spoke of the heartache of watching her son go through such pain and I could identify with that in watching my mom go through her treatments. Then they asked everyone to hold up their cell phones for who they knew with cancer or how it had touched their life.  In the end, everyone was holding up their phone. There was a stillness about everyone holding up their phone. The silent lap followed with Divine, the women's accapella group, singing. Everyone piled onto the "track" and filled it all the way around. And we all walked in silence. There was this calmness in walking that lap. At first, I was walking mostly by myself, unaware of others, but by the end I was walking next to my fellow team members. I remember specifically realizing half way through how one person in particular was walking right next to me. There was a comfort in knowing they were right there with me and in knowing I was not alone. (If you were that person ... thanks!) I find it interesting how that lap has paralleled my own journey. For a long time, I didn't let others in. I was not open to looking for support. But once I did look around, I found people who were willing to listen, give advice, and just be there if and when I needed them.

I finished the Relay for Life walking the last hour from 6-7 in the morning. My pain from walking for almost 3 hours and tiredness from maybe 2 hours of sleep is nothing in comparison to those who go through cancer treatment. That is why I relay.

LOVE

I think love is an interesting topic.  There is so much to say and discuss. What is Love? When the Bible talks about unconditional love what is it talking about? How do you love unconditionally? How is this different from romantic love? What is romantic love? Do you believe in love at first sight?  How does that work? Is all love equal? Why do people judge or rank love?

There are so many questions and even more answers.  But I think first we should talk about what exactly love is.  Look at this wikipedia definition:

"Love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love."

We live our lives around all these forms of love and yet we never really sit down to discuss what that means. Most commonly love comes up when talking about romantic love.  Have you found that special someone? Do you love each other? And then there are all those other questions about engagement and marriage.  Have you found the person to spend the rest of your life with? As a female, I particularly dread this line of questioning. Sometimes I feel like that is all some people are interested in.  Sometimes I feel like I need to yell at them that I am a whole person! And my life is not defined and does not revolve around this idea of romantic love or finding that one special person as much as the media may try to tell me to the contrary. Currently, I know about six people that are engaged which I think is great.  But I didn't want to write this post only about romantic love so I feel the need to move on at this point. 

So let's jump into what the Bible says about love. It is quite a lot when you look in the concordance.  There are easily 50+ references to love. The Bible abounds with love. Right? Isn't that the main message? The great commandment is "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all you mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it : You shall love you neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 22: 37-40)  Or to look at John 13: 34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."

Jesus loved everyone no matter what, unconditionally.  So if love is caring for another person then what is unconditional love. Simply it is love without condition. It is loving without judging which is harder than it sounds.  Most people are quick to judge others or label them. Loving unconditionally requires an open heart and mind. It requires finding the positive and searching for the truth. Often we make rash decisions about individuals without finding or seeking for the real truth.

A radical idea that is not often mentioned. If you are to love your neighbor as yourself and you are to love one another just as God has loved us then you are to love yourself just as God loves you.  I think self love is one of the hardest things.  How many of you would talk to your neighbor the way you talk to yourself?  We all have this internal dialogue. Take a day and really think about the way you talk about and to yourself. Are you too negative? Would you talk to a friend, neighbor or acquaintance in the same manner? Why or why not? We are quick to judge others but quickest to judge ourselves. 

To go back to the first commandment to love God with all your heart, sole and mind. Many times we let other things get in the way of that.  Sometimes we fill the void with material things or just let life get in the way. Othertimes we fill the void not with God's love but with romantic love. I have done this. Many years ago I dated this guy for over two years.  After we broke up, I realized how I was using him to fill this void in my life. I truly believe that you have to know and love yourself before you can know and love another especially in a romantic way.  Also, you have to be open to accepting that love, which I think boils down to whether you actually think you are worth being loved. Are you going to accept something you don't think you deserve? How can you let another love you if you don't love yourself? How can people be so ready to accept conditional love from other people and not unconditional love from God?

Loving yourself is knowing your value doesn’t change when you open your heart to others. Or more simply loving yourself allows you to love unconditionally.

Would love to hear any thoughts on this ...  please comment ...

Be Who You Are

"Your job is to be yourself and my job is to love you no matter what."

Courage

Last week I decided to share about my recent two posts grace and faith to my church group. It was such a great experience. Although I may have been a bit nervous about sharing something so personal with a group of 50+ people that I didn't know that well, I kept it under control and let the story speak for itself. It was just on my heart to share my story. The results have been overwhelming from one person being really touched that night to the continued encouragement others have expressed.  It has been amazing to see how God has used me and my story to reach and remind others just how awesome God can be.

At Bible study last week we all wrote something nice about another person.  Mine said, "I loved listening to you at 242! Thanks so much for sharing! It was cool seeing how God's working in you! You are such a woman of God and I have really enjoyed getting to know you more this year :) Thanks for being someone I can look up to. :)" I am not sure who wrote it as we left them anonymous but it was really awesome to receive it.  Although I would never describe myself as "such a woman of God." Usually, I feel like anything but that.  So it was interesting to think about myself in those terms. I guess I feel like to be a woman of God you should be older and wiser or just have some kind of wisdom to share and I don't think I have this. But I can see how you would see that in someone you look up to.

Rape

The prompting of this post is from a discussion I had with a group of lovely women. It reminded me of the way we talk about rape. It reminded me just how pervasive victim blaming is and how the language we use to talk about rape very consistently blames the victim/survivor. When I asked why we were blaming the victim/survivor/in most cases a woman, I received a very defensive response. I don't remember the tone I used to ask the question so I may have contributed to the tone of her response. Also, because I directed the question at one person more specifically, I can understand the way she felt, like I was specifically accusing her. I'm sure I would have done the same thing. But when I asked why we were blaming the victim, it was not to accuse her or anyone of personally doing this but rather to make people question the way we were talking about it and to examine the language specifically.

Because one of the myths about rape is that "women are at least partly responsible for their victimization in terms of their appearance and behavior" (Shaw and Lee). Or to put it another way, "She should have known better." "This is the ultimate in victim-blaming" (Valenti). "Known better than to wear a skirt. Known better than to walk home alone. Known better than to be drinking. Known better than to be alone with a guy" (Valenti). It places the fault of the rape/sexual assault on the woman and her actions and not on the rapist. This leads to survivor's guilt in many instances and can be very detrimental to recovery. Speaking in this manner "assumes that rape is inevitable and that the onus should be on women to protect ourselves" (Valenti). Would you say that a man was asking for his wallet to be stolen? Or that he should have known better than to be dressed nice and "flaunt his wealth." Or maybe he should have known better than to be in that part of town or ride that bus/train/subway. The reality is we don't ask these questions because we know it is not what he did but the thief that is to blame. So why is it so difficult to apply this same knowledge to rape?

To go back to the group discussion, I felt that many were saying that "you should not put yourself in that situation" which I see as a form of "she should have known better." Because if you shouldn't put yourself in that situation then you should have known better than to let it happen, right? As a society we need to move away from speaking about rape in this manner. It is always what the woman should do to protect herself and if something does happen then she should have been more alert, less sexually expressive, not consumed alcohol, etc. Instead of talking about rape in terms of what women should and shouldn't do let's talk about the person doing the raping. The truth of the matter is there is nothing you can or can't do that ever warrants someone to rape you. Whether you are drinking or out alone, it is never the survivor's lack of "knowing better" because rape is really just about power and dominance.

A "rape schedule" is another thing we talked about. Although not specifically in those terms. Many spoke of not wanting to walk home alone, creepy parking lots and parking garages. No distance was too short or long when walking in the dark and no time specifically seemed to apply. Although walking home always brings back memories of when I was 21 and went to a concert at Bomb's Away Cafe, I was there with friends and they ended up getting pretty drunk. I only had one or two drinks as I was concerned for my one friend being so drunk. She started dancing with a guy who was somehow friends with someone else. Finally, I decided to leave and they wanted to leave too. The guy walked us home, like we would not have been okay by ourselves. At one point my friend asked why we were walking the way we were since it was darker and scarier. So of course I was annoyed and made a fabulous comment to the fact that "we are more likely to be raped by the dick with us (referring to the guy walking us) than by some random person jumping out of the bushes." And really it is true. There is this idea of the mythical rape that involves someone you have never seen before and they jump you and you fight and scream while they use force. However, the majority, 75-80%, of rapes are by people you already know. Now that is scary.

Fear is a very powerful thing that can be used to control others. I ask, if you are female, have you ever been free of the fear of rape? How has this fear controlled your daily life? If you are a woman then you have lived your life by this rape schedule. Not going out alone after dark. Walking to your car with your keys in your hand. Locking the doors after you get in. Having pepper spray available if someone should approach you. I'm not saying you shouldn't protect yourself or take precautions but I am saying that we should not be the only ones responsible. Still a women's sexual past will be brought up or what she was wearing or whether she was being promiscuous to somehow place the fault of the assault on her. Drinking seems to be of particular concern.

The history of rape includes ideas like women had to have resisted the whole time or people had to hear her scream for the crime to be valid or even considered rape. Rape was a crime not against the woman but her father, or husband as women were seen as property. "In the Bible, if no witness heard a married woman cry out, she was stoned to death for presumed adultery. A 1646 Chinese statute required evidence that a woman had struggled during the entire rape. Anglo-American law called for corroboration by witnesses who could attest that a woman had tried to resist male assault by calling for help or struggling" (Freedman). "In the slave South rape was once defined as an act of forced sex perpetrated against a white woman. denying legal recourse to all African American women" (Freedman).

Another myth about rape corresponds with the first myth about women's appearance and behavior that "men are not totally responsible for their actions. If a woman comes on to a man sexually, it is impossible for him to stop" (Shaw and Lee). Personally, I think this really connects to drinking or being impaired. Honestly, I don’t think people do that many things when they are drunk that they wouldn’t do while they are sober. Some things yes. But there is a limit. The idea that if a woman comes on to a man then that means she wants to have sex or that he somehow deserves sex is just total bullshit.

May Day

It is the beginning of May.  May Day brings back fond memories for me.  When I was younger, my brother and I would make baskets  from sticky weeds on our property to hold flowers.  We would pick some flowers to fill them and artfully arrange them in the basket.  Then we would take our creations over to our Grandma's house.  We would always try to sneak up the driveway and steps but I'm sure she heard us everytime.  We would carefully place our flower filled baskets by her door, ring the bell and then hide outside and wait for her to open the door and see our beautiful work.  She would always be full of praise about our baskets and flowers. 
It's amazing how much joy can come from such a simple act. 

When was the last time you did something just to bring joy to another?