Rape

The prompting of this post is from a discussion I had with a group of lovely women. It reminded me of the way we talk about rape. It reminded me just how pervasive victim blaming is and how the language we use to talk about rape very consistently blames the victim/survivor. When I asked why we were blaming the victim/survivor/in most cases a woman, I received a very defensive response. I don't remember the tone I used to ask the question so I may have contributed to the tone of her response. Also, because I directed the question at one person more specifically, I can understand the way she felt, like I was specifically accusing her. I'm sure I would have done the same thing. But when I asked why we were blaming the victim, it was not to accuse her or anyone of personally doing this but rather to make people question the way we were talking about it and to examine the language specifically.

Because one of the myths about rape is that "women are at least partly responsible for their victimization in terms of their appearance and behavior" (Shaw and Lee). Or to put it another way, "She should have known better." "This is the ultimate in victim-blaming" (Valenti). "Known better than to wear a skirt. Known better than to walk home alone. Known better than to be drinking. Known better than to be alone with a guy" (Valenti). It places the fault of the rape/sexual assault on the woman and her actions and not on the rapist. This leads to survivor's guilt in many instances and can be very detrimental to recovery. Speaking in this manner "assumes that rape is inevitable and that the onus should be on women to protect ourselves" (Valenti). Would you say that a man was asking for his wallet to be stolen? Or that he should have known better than to be dressed nice and "flaunt his wealth." Or maybe he should have known better than to be in that part of town or ride that bus/train/subway. The reality is we don't ask these questions because we know it is not what he did but the thief that is to blame. So why is it so difficult to apply this same knowledge to rape?

To go back to the group discussion, I felt that many were saying that "you should not put yourself in that situation" which I see as a form of "she should have known better." Because if you shouldn't put yourself in that situation then you should have known better than to let it happen, right? As a society we need to move away from speaking about rape in this manner. It is always what the woman should do to protect herself and if something does happen then she should have been more alert, less sexually expressive, not consumed alcohol, etc. Instead of talking about rape in terms of what women should and shouldn't do let's talk about the person doing the raping. The truth of the matter is there is nothing you can or can't do that ever warrants someone to rape you. Whether you are drinking or out alone, it is never the survivor's lack of "knowing better" because rape is really just about power and dominance.

A "rape schedule" is another thing we talked about. Although not specifically in those terms. Many spoke of not wanting to walk home alone, creepy parking lots and parking garages. No distance was too short or long when walking in the dark and no time specifically seemed to apply. Although walking home always brings back memories of when I was 21 and went to a concert at Bomb's Away Cafe, I was there with friends and they ended up getting pretty drunk. I only had one or two drinks as I was concerned for my one friend being so drunk. She started dancing with a guy who was somehow friends with someone else. Finally, I decided to leave and they wanted to leave too. The guy walked us home, like we would not have been okay by ourselves. At one point my friend asked why we were walking the way we were since it was darker and scarier. So of course I was annoyed and made a fabulous comment to the fact that "we are more likely to be raped by the dick with us (referring to the guy walking us) than by some random person jumping out of the bushes." And really it is true. There is this idea of the mythical rape that involves someone you have never seen before and they jump you and you fight and scream while they use force. However, the majority, 75-80%, of rapes are by people you already know. Now that is scary.

Fear is a very powerful thing that can be used to control others. I ask, if you are female, have you ever been free of the fear of rape? How has this fear controlled your daily life? If you are a woman then you have lived your life by this rape schedule. Not going out alone after dark. Walking to your car with your keys in your hand. Locking the doors after you get in. Having pepper spray available if someone should approach you. I'm not saying you shouldn't protect yourself or take precautions but I am saying that we should not be the only ones responsible. Still a women's sexual past will be brought up or what she was wearing or whether she was being promiscuous to somehow place the fault of the assault on her. Drinking seems to be of particular concern.

The history of rape includes ideas like women had to have resisted the whole time or people had to hear her scream for the crime to be valid or even considered rape. Rape was a crime not against the woman but her father, or husband as women were seen as property. "In the Bible, if no witness heard a married woman cry out, she was stoned to death for presumed adultery. A 1646 Chinese statute required evidence that a woman had struggled during the entire rape. Anglo-American law called for corroboration by witnesses who could attest that a woman had tried to resist male assault by calling for help or struggling" (Freedman). "In the slave South rape was once defined as an act of forced sex perpetrated against a white woman. denying legal recourse to all African American women" (Freedman).

Another myth about rape corresponds with the first myth about women's appearance and behavior that "men are not totally responsible for their actions. If a woman comes on to a man sexually, it is impossible for him to stop" (Shaw and Lee). Personally, I think this really connects to drinking or being impaired. Honestly, I don’t think people do that many things when they are drunk that they wouldn’t do while they are sober. Some things yes. But there is a limit. The idea that if a woman comes on to a man then that means she wants to have sex or that he somehow deserves sex is just total bullshit.