Letter to my future Love

Dear Love,

Yes, you. The one I will love and who will love me.

I'm writing to you now in hopes it might help to manifest your being. Your being in and a part of my life. (I hope you already exist or maybe we have already met). 

I want you to come to love me and all my wonderful glorious flaws. First you should know I'm a work in progress and I'm beautiful. I respect and acknowledge that you will be too. To that end I want you to be imperfect and willing to admit your mistakes. 

I want to argue with you over stupid little things and find a compromise and be able to discuss in detail the deeper important things too. 

I want you to know that the way to my heart is to let me share my life with you. I may want to discuss crazy little things everyday - this is me showing interest/love in you. When I stop sharing, really sharing, then you should be worried. Because I show interest/love by talking/sharing - if you don't talk to me - I'll be worried you don't like me or I've done something to upset you. 

Communication is important to me - so I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about any and everything, especially when you are upset with me. I want to know. I want you to tell me what's wrong and I promise to listen if you promise to share your truth.

I want you to be comfortable holding hands (with me) in public. I love to show the world who I care about. 

I want to spoil you in all the ways you want to be spoiled. And I want you to want to spoil me too. 

I want to have inside jokes and shared glances. 

I want us to be comfortable being together in silence or just watching tv together. 

I want you to notice me checking you out. And for you to check me out too.  

If I'm sharing my feelings with you, even (or most important) the bad ones, it means I really trust you.

I hope my friends love you as much as I will. I want to meet your friends too. 

When you are feeling down - I want to be there for you and to do something to make you feel better.  

I want to support you and your interests, projects, goals. I wish for you to support mine too. 

I want to dance with you and cook with you and clean with you. 

I want to know where you are tickleous. 

I want to know all the places I can kiss you and drive you crazy. 

I'm sure there are many more things to list - but I also want to know what you want from your future love. And I want to be those things as best as I can for you. 

I know you will come when you're supposed to and perhaps when I'm least expecting it. But whenever that time is I'll be ready and willing to work on having the best relationship with you. 

Sincerely and with hope, 

Your future love

Holidays and coming out

This year I put on my wish list a cute lesbian romance movie. It had been on my list before and I didn't get it. I wondered if it was because of the subject matter or because no one had heard of it before so they just didn't want to get it for me. I got the movie from my aunt who I've never come out to because of the possible repercussions my mom might face at my expense. I consider the fact that she got it for me a positive thing. Yay! Holidays and coming out in small ways by not censoring your wish list... that's something crazy to do - censor the things you want because of their content. I haven't actually done it completely - but I did really think about adding that movie to my list the first time I did it. Then I said, "Fuck it" and put it on the list.

However, after the holidays and spending time with family and having lots of fun with my parents, my parent's friends came over to visit. I've known them my whole life. Of course the male friend asked me "when you going to get a ring on that finger?" -- There were so many answers - I just kept my head down looking at my hot cocoa. I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.  It was obvious my parent's had not mentioned the the tiny fact I'm gay. (Maybe hoping that might change if they don't mention it).  I was wondering in those moments how my parents would feel about me saying as a response "Well I can't legally get married in this state." I also thought of the smart ass comment "I wear rings on lots of fingers - just not right now."  Or the more appropriate "You could have talked all night and not said that." -- I was "rescued" by the guy's wife.  And then my mom. All comments were heterosexual in nature. The women came to my rescue at the question of me needing(?) to be married (by a certain age?). It was then I thought of saying "Well I don't date men .. so...it really doesn't matter" -- But instead I was frozen as all the thoughts swirled around and I couldn't say anything because I didn't know how my parent's wanted me to react to their friends. I'm sure I looked visibly upset at this question and just didn't know how to respond. I had said before I wasn't going to lie about who I am. But sometimes it's easier to play along and sometimes it's really painful to have to think so much about what to say in order to "avoid" some awkwardness.  

Am I supposed to come out in these moments? Should I just play along? Should I have a feminist smack down and deconstruct why he is even asking such a ridiculous statement just because I'm female?

It would seem my parents aren't comfortable with my sexual orientation.  

Closing Hurt

I think I have written this letter at least a thousand times in my head. It has taken on many versions but they all include the desire for closure. I realize I don't actually need you for closure, but sending this thought out into the universe seems appropriate for me. So here goes ....

Dear You,

I'm sorry. No, I'm not just sorry. I want to express the deepest most sincere apology to you. You asked for space so my extreme reaction could subside. That was three months ago. I'd like to think it has subsided but it lasted for much longer than I anticipated because I thought I needed to talk to you in person for it to actually go away. I don't think that will ever really happen - you and I together in person. I don't believe you want to be friends any longer. You asking for space seems to be a polite way to say goodbye to me - to distance yourself from whatever stress I caused you. I believe I lost what little trust I had from you. Or what little bit you let me into your life. I know you well enough to know that.

I had a strong reaction to what you said. I was angry at those who came before me and hurt you. I was angry that those people ruined my expression of love. Mostly I was angry because people have hurt me too and I knew the place you were in. It felt weird to be on the other side and I hated myself for causing that sort of pain for someone I cared for; even if it wasn't directly me causing that pain, I was an echo of those that did. I realized that I don't have any control over the past and that made me angry too. And I hurt because you shut me out. Feeling all those things at once and not knowing what to do with any of it hurt really bad too.

And I lost you - the person I talked to most.

So I'm not just sorry for what happened and how I reacted but I want to be sorry that awful people exist and hurt others and I want to be sorry that you ever experienced any of it.

I also wanted to help. I've been there too and I know how much work it takes to overcome. Overcome is not the right word though because it is a constant struggle. I have to remind myself to enjoy things, to not freeze up, and to breath. Sometimes I forget to remind myself.

I also wanted to say thanks. Thanks for trusting me enough to try. Thanks for being there over the year we became friends. Thanks for listening and responding all the times that you did. And thanks for challenging me too.

Maybe after more time/space you will want to speak again. But after two months of no communication it's time for me to move on. I am sorry. I had wished that you might message. That you might say "Happy Belated Birthday" or "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Happy New Year." But those times came and went. I did not message you. You did not message me.

If you don't remember anything else from this message - I just want you to know that I grew a lot from our friendship and will always hold you with high regard and I'm sorry for how things ended.

Goodbye for now.

But until we speak again, please know that I wish you a lifetime of opportunities for all the happiness in the world.

With sincerest apologies of love,
An Old Friend

The bonds that break

I haven't posted in quite some time. In one of my last more personal posts, I discussed the role religion had played in my coming out. I wrote this post some time ago but I'm posting it now.

It is sad to think that coming out was the driving force for leaving a church community.  Having not grown up with religion - it was never something I completely relied on. But I did enjoy it while I could.  That is until I kept thinking that if any of the people I was getting to know actually found out that I was a card carrying lesbian and also believed in a God that they "knew for sure" did not approve of my "lifestyle" - I knew there would be some discussions had and friends lost in the Church community I was attending at the time. (I know there are many open and accepting places).

I came out pretty early on to a good friend who I had known for 7 years at the time. She grew up going to a Baptist Church, and was registered as a republican though would've been considered a hippie in appearance for at least part of her life. She is still deeply involved with her church. She said in her response to my coming out that it wouldn't change our friendship or how much she loves me but that she didn't know if she could be happy for me either. And I get that. But in that moment of reading those words - our friendship had changed. How can you love someone if you can't be happy for them? As much as she may have questioned my decision to come out, I surely questioned whether she would support my future decisions in the same way I supported hers.  I could still be happy for her ... but she didn't know, at the time, if she could for me. She also acknowledged that it was not her place to know or judge what was right for me.

Her response was very real and depicted that struggle that I have seen from conservative religious folk as they question the "rightness" of homosexuality while also trying hard to not lay judgment. Honestly, I was saddened by her response. I was troubled that my sexual identity would/could ruin our friendship. That I could ruin our friendship just by being me.

But as that has come to pass some time ago. We remain in contact from time to time despite our physical distant. We discuss some of life's moments. I tend to leave out the gay things. (Does that mean I tend to leave out myself?)

I try to understand how people have such a hard time with something that goes against their core beliefs.  While I may disagree with those beliefs, it doesn't make their feelings or my life any less real.  And I think that all who come out go through those same feelings she was having.  Can you imagine not being able to be happy for yourself? Can you imagine knowing that your attraction, that feels so right and normal to you, is not 'right'? Can you image growing up or going to or believing in a faith community that actively says that who you are is wrong, that what you feel is wrong, that you must change, etc.? Grappling with these differences can be the most challenging thing and leads many to take their own life. Internalizing those messages can be very hard to overcome. And is an ongoing process for folks in the queer community.

So it is really sad to think that coming out could be the driving force for leaving a church community. Sad that many are turned off from religion because their sexual identity is generally not approved by other folks in that religion. Sad that of all the reasons one might leave church, sexual orientation was it. Sad that a public statement of an identity would lead to not being able to be present in that community (where present is more than just showing up). Sad that so many people face the tough decision of either being true to themselves or keeping their community. Finding new community is hard. And being true to yourself can be even harder.

I'm not sure these ramblings have a point. And I'm not sure they need to have one. I lost community because I decided to be true to myself and come out. My friendships changed. But I also made new ones. And I'm not hiding who I am. I can only really know what is true for me... and you can only know for you...

Chely Wright

Such a great discussion on Christianity and homosexuality by Chely Wright!  I must say that she looks pretty good in that suit jacket and those glasses!

Christianity Helped Me Come Out

Growing up, my family did not go to church, though we celebrated all the consumerist Christian holidays (still do). I learned how to consume religion through family dinners, purchasing gifts, and giving cards. But what were we celebrating?

My first experience of organized religion was when a friend invited me to church when I was in elementary school. I went with her to Sunday School and we memorized a Bible verse. I didn't really understand why we would do that. My second experience was in high school when I started going to a church youth group. I learned the basics of the Christian faith, got my first Bible, and learned some worship songs.

So by the time I reached college, I continued to attended a church group. I went to two different church groups during the course of my four years. One group, I went to my first and part of my second year of school; while the other, I went to my second through my fourth year and continued to be a member after I graduated.

I liked going to the college church group for the community I found there, though I didn't always go regularly. I enjoyed going with my friends and deepening those bonds with them. We became very close from those experiences together and car rides home.

As those friends became busier and almost stopped going, I slowly began to make friends with others in the group. But always felt distant like I was never "Christian" enough to be there - like I didn't really know much because most of the others had grown up going to church, even my friends had. They could not imagine what life was like without 'Faith.' I knew all too well that it was pretty much the same. Sure you may worship something else or hold on to the faith you find in other people but you learn to deal with it all just the same.

During the year after I graduated from college, I became super involved. I went to all the church group events during the week. I even shared my story or testimony in front of the whole group (50+ people). It was amazing. I had other college students coming to me in tears at the end of worship because my story had moved them. I brought people back to Christ through my story of faith, back to a religion that they had professed but didn't really feel connected to. They could relate to my story of faith and grace. We were one and the same.

My story started a chain reaction. Soon many others wanted to share their stories. My courage and bravery in sharing my testimony allowed others to realize they could be brave too. I received hugs and congratulations. I loved sharing my story because finally, I felt like I, too, knew enough to be there. I had transformed, but I also had been keeping a secret. A secret I had known about for several years. A secret that I had come to terms with more than a year before that time.

So despite all the hoopla of sharing my story, I also felt the dread from keeping this secret. Even when I was surrounded by people, I was alone. I never felt comfortable enough to tell those same friends or church community that I was dating a really fabulous female. I never felt comfortable telling anyone that I had come out to myself a little over a year before and that I was unbelievably relieved to finally do so. I never felt comfortable mentioning that I had asked God about it and received an overwhelming feeling of acceptance. I had always brought "all that I was" before God and s/he had "embraced me just as I am." Why did these people need to know any different than the assumed heterosexuality they projected onto me?

"I keep coming out of the closet only to be put in it again..."

Generally, Christians, especially Evangelical, Baptist, and other right leaning conservative Christians,  seem to have a problem with individuals who date members of the same sex, especially individuals who profess some belief in their religion and also see nothing wrong with two women or men dating, forming relationships, and families. There are some denominations that openly accept LGBTQ people but they are not a majority (yet).

My college church group was part of a Community Church, not part of a specific denomination, that holds belief in the inerrancy of the Bible. They believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God and that it is the final authority in faith and life. As such they don't believe in multiple readings of the Bible or that the Bible (being written by men) contains errors. They have a firm "hate the sin - love the sinner" approach to all things not following their prescribed set of principles/beliefs. I knew that if I told them my secret that would be the response, "Hate the sin. Love the sinner."

Further, I imagined them wanting to help me overcome this "sin" I was acting upon or "struggling" with. But that's the thing, I was the happiest I had been in years; when I was able to fully express who I am, I wasn't "struggling" with anything. I was finally able to be me! It was during this time that I investigated and posted on what some churches say on LGBTQ issues. My post received several comments that further proved the "hate the sin - love the sinner" approach. I was disappointed that the community I had come to appreciate and love would never fully accept me for who I am. They would "hate" a vital aspect of my identity while also professing to "love" me. (How do you love unconditionally if you refuse to accept part of a person's identity? If they contradict with your beliefs? If you are praying that they change? Is acceptance not part of love? Is 'tolerance' love?  Or is the 'unconditional love' focused toward who you think you can change the person into?) It kills me that it would be done through the Bible "as the word of God" because I don't believe that is how God intended it to be.

But I didn't let this new found disappointment stop me from continuing to pursue religion or continuing to date the woman I was seeing. If anything I wanted to learn more. It was through the teachings, songs, worships, and Bible studies that I was able to fully accept myself, my very queer lesbian self. It was the love I found in the Bible that helped me to love myself. (In order to love your neighbor as yourself, you must first love yourself.) It was the love I found from non-religious friends I trusted enough to come out to. (They were the ones who showed unconditional love. It didn't matter to them the gender of who I dated. They were happy for me.) It was the love I received from new colleagues and older friends. I've posted many times on love and belonging. I've posted clips from Glee and Senators in the state of NY discussing marriage equality. I've posted on Pride Parades and video clips that discuss LGBTQ things. I've posted on labels, language, change, and voice. But it has been the convergence of all these topics on my blog that has allowed me to see how every part, even the religion I ran away from, was an important stepping stone to where I am now.

Being a feminist and closeted lesbian within the church group was fun at times and I loved those tiny moments where I could be a "feminist evangelist." But I hated that I wasn't allowed to share my whole life with them. I couldn't say that I hung out with my girlfriend over the weekend because she came to visit. Unlike other members of the group, I had to check a vital part of myself at the door on the way in and often as soon as I stepped out of the car. I stopped going to this group at the same time that I decided to be open about my life which coincided with the same time that I started graduate school. Slowly, I began to share my secret with others by casually mentioning my girlfriend/partner.

"I came out of the closet but now my family is in it..."

Today, although single, I'm out to many people. I teach classes and routinely come out to my students. Everyone that I work with, I'm out to. But I'm still not out to some family. When I told my parents almost a year ago, my mom told me that "other people didn't need to know." She said there were basically two ways to deal with this "new lesbian status of mine": I could just continue to be me and keep it to myself or I could be what I would call "loud and proud." She said she hoped that I would choose the right (quiet) way. I remember saying that "I wasn't going to lie about it." And I haven't, although I don't always mention it.

Just today, I was talking to a good friend of mine that I have known now for almost 7 years and he said without any prompting from me, "You know what ... you're still the same person. You haven't changed because you came out."  It was so refreshing to hear this from him. I'm so glad he called. Even if he has teased me about being a lesbian, he is someone I can count on to listen, and understand as best he can. His teasing comes from a place of love not from hate.

I still pause about whether any of my "Hate the sin. Love the sinner." 'friends' really need to know. Because how crazy is it that as a closeted lesbian, I was able to bring (presumably) homophobic people to a deeper faith? Or that God used me, a closeted lesbian, to bring others to a deeper faith? What does it say about our God and the religion s/he designed?  What does it say about the Bible?

For some reason I think if I told members of that faith community, they would surely experience a homosexual panic. They might say that I have let sin into my life or profess something about the works of Satan. Surely their God would not condone or even openly accept my behavior. But I would tell them that not only does their God accept me but s/he also helped me to love myself, my very queer lesbian self.

Their Christianity helped me come out and life outside the closet is much, much brighter.

Openly Itself

(I wrote this a long time ago - but have decided to post it now)

There is a quote I like quite a lot by Deena Metzger it reads "Beauty appears when something is completely and absolutely and openly itself."  I often wonder if this is possible being completely, absolutely open. But I have seen the beauty that comes from such a state.  We are attracted to people and their beauty because of their authenticity and openness.

I think it is beautiful when people are completely and absolutely and openly their selves. I feel beautiful when I can be openly myself without fear, without the voice in my head telling me I don't belong.

Silent Voices

Recently, I was sent an email asking to partake in a Christian religious group meeting whose name I will leave anonymous. It was a group I had been a part of and had decided to move on from because it was full of those who, I believe, hold belief in the inerrancy of the Bible – a view I strongly disagree with. Yet the email captivated me. The sender suggested looking at Psalm 142 before their next meeting – a meeting I felt drawn to.

I instantly wanted to know what Psalm 142 said and found all four Bibles I own. Only one of which I paid for as it was a text for a class I took.  I received the other three from church groups I have gone to – one from each group. Interestingly all four Bibles are different translations.  I love to read different translations to get a feel for a passage or verse. So I read and read and read again. I held them next to each other. I looked at the footnotes and extra information. I compared words and phrases – glanced at the psalm before and after.  Looking, searching for the most complete view of the passage – a view which invariably changes with the reader’s interaction with the text.

The whole Psalm is about finding refuge from life’s difficulties especially when we feel like no one is there to help. It is about speaking of your troubles and finding security in/from God.  (What we might call within feminist and queer studies the politics of location, belonging, and home.)

In the versions I read, two of them started with the words “with my voice” repeating the phrase in the second line. Those three little words “with my voice” made me think about the importance of voice and being heard or more importantly speaking up. It also made me question:  Who has a voice? Whose voice gets heard? Who is allowed to speak and who must remain silent?

All my life (my almost quarter of a century) I have struggled with this “speaking up being heard using my voice” concept. As a child, I routinely hid behind my mother’s legs and made her do my speaking for me. When I was forced – sometimes literally pushed to interact with people – my voice barely made it above the sound of a whisper. I only said what was necessary, no more. This may be surprising considering I am speaking to you now – telling you personal details, using my voice but even today it is something I struggle with.

So it is not surprising that these three words “with my voice” also made me think of silence and how we use silence sometimes to avoid conflict, or to protect ourselves while at the same time some people fear silence (those awkward pauses on a first date or large groups that remain silent for any length of time).

Somehow, I have believed that my silences would protect me – shield me, guard me – and my heart. Though - I’m not sure what from.

In the United States “we have a right to remain silent”  because “anything we say can and will be used against us in a court of law.” It seems this law is set up to protect us and that protection comes in the form of silence. But aren’t your rights taken away by the very silencing it enacts or by giving us this right to remain silent are we not stripped of our right to speak without persecution. (“If I remain silent then I won’t have to deal with your homophobia.”  “I won’t come out yet. I will keep quiet and let my silence protect me.” “I won’t correct your statement of “roommate” and “friend” because as long as I remain silent about who I am - I am safe – safe from your judgment”)

Audre Lorde has said on “The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action,” “my silence had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you.”  But my silence has always been my refuge. My silence was my way of avoiding life’s difficulties. My silence was my security. How could that not protect me? 

Question: When people refuse to answer a question and say “no comment” does their silence really protect them? Or does this ‘silent protection’ create a space where speaking is cautioned because what they say will somehow come back to bite them in the butt?

Answer: I don’t know. What I do know is that here in Psalm 142 at the very beginning we are told to use our voice. So I ask you to consider for a moment, “What have you done with your voice lately?”  where have you been talking … what have you been saying…

I asked myself the same thing… What have I used my voice for lately?

My list was insightful to say the least. I’ve been complaining … about my family, my friends, my now exgirlfriend, my incredibly small paycheck, students that were making my life difficult, my professors that ask more and more of me – professors that want me to speak up more – talk more – say brilliant things – participate more because I have not been using my voice.  But I have been using my voice I say … to talk about myself. I’ve been voicing my complaints. Also, I have been using my voice to speak of the injustices I see and to complain about the state of the world. I have been using my voice to give lectures and teach about systems of oppression, LGBTQ rights, popular culture, art, activism and deconstructing Disney - things that being a graduate teaching assistant have given me the opportunity and responsibility of teaching to others. A weight I have come to really enjoy despite its stress.

I ask you what you have done with your voice because Psalm 142 starts with your voice. Not with someone else’s voice but your own voice. There is great power in voice and the ability to use your own voice to define yourself - to speak your truth. Agency is something that has often been denied to those outside the dominant group holding power.  Women have a particularly hard time with this where we receive messages about when and if we should speak. We are more likely to defer to someone else, to use more fillers and to ask for confirmation while speaking. Right? Not to mention the voices of other oppressed societal groups that often go unheard whether they are speaking or not. Currently with LGBTQ rights, I see people using their voices trying to assert their agency in defining their families, looking for their refuge but being denied. As a member of that community, it pains me to know that I am denied agency when my voice goes unheard, a silence that does not protect me.  

“With my voice” also makes me think of the privilege one has in being able to use their own voice to “cry out” or “pour out complaints” or “tell trouble.”  And it makes me think of all those individuals who do not have the privilege of their voice being heard within society simply because they do not belong to the dominant group. It seems to me this Psalm asks, begs, demands, us to use our voice to speak, to cry out, and tell of the complaints and troubles we face so we can find refuge. Yet, is it not also asking those whose voices do get heard to speak or complain about those whose voices are routinely denied because of their identity within our society - those whom "no one takes notice of" whom no one seems to care for? (Not to use our voice to speak for them but to ask for their voices to be heard so they too can find refuge in their agency.)  When you “cry out,” “pour out complaints,” or “tell trouble” to God are you only speaking of your own personal difficulties or are you using your voice to make supplication for those who do not speak because they have been taught to remain silent?

Silence is easy – using your voice – now that takes courage.

Find your voice - use your voice because “with your voice” you can change the world.  

It gets better ...

It pains me to see someone hurt because of what another has said or done.  It pains me even more when it is a child that hurts because of another child. Especially when that child is kind and caring, putting others before themselves.  

To simply say that it gets better could inspire hope and yet the reality is that mean people do exist in the world. But often what actually "gets better" is not the situation or the other people causing the hurt but our reactions to it.  Often the 'getting better' means getting stronger and getting smarter - realizing that there are in fact people in the world who do love you, care for you, and wish you the best life has to offer.  People who are your friend because they love everything about you - all your idiosyncrasies. Knowing that these people exist now and that they will exist in the future means that there will never be a moment where you are not loved just for being the wonderful unique person you are and part of getting stronger and smarter means you learn to realize who these people are and you invest your time, friendship, and energy into the people who will actually accept you as yourself. At first it may not be apparent who they are and you may have to seek them out but they are there; we do exist.  And even if at this moment you don't think anybody does then I 'm here to tell you that I care. I may not even know you but I love everything that makes you who you are.

For some reason difference is not well received in this world. Being different has caused many wars and genocides. What I don't see is the difference between these terrible acts (war and genocide) and those associated with everyday bullying, and homophobia. They all seem to be a 'we' don't like you because you are different or not just like us so 'we' are going to kill you or make you live in a ghetto or put you down or make fun of you or not be your friend or not let you have the same rights just so 'we' can feel better about ourselves.   Seems to me that the bully/dictator always goes down in history as being the bad guy. Don't believe me? Ask Voldemort. So then why are there still so many who bully because of difference?

It seems we have a different = scary mentality instead of a different = good mentality. But it is our differences that make us.  Yes - Our differences make us. Your differences make you. My differences make me.  That is how simple it is. Differences make us individuals. So love your differences; love your friend's differences and embrace different as good because it is not scary. It does not need to be killed or put down or made fun of.  Because you know what? My difference does not harm you so you don't need to be afraid of it.

Language and Religion

In order to avoid “projecting contemporary understandings back in time,” Judith Halberstam suggests her idea of perverse presentism (Meem, Gibson and Alexander 2). Perverse presentism is imperative when discussing LGBTQI identities, the idea of a “global gay identity” or when approaching any topic because the present meaning(s) of words and ideas change throughout history and culture. 

An example of “projecting contemporary understandings back in time” is performed today in many, not all, Christian churches across the United States and presumably globally. When asked to take a political stance on homosexuality, many church leaders will look to the Bible to find an answer. Based on the translation of the Bible they look to, some may find the word ‘homosexual’ within the text where it had not previously existed because the word homosexual was not even invented until 1869 by Karl Maria Kertbeny (Meem, Gibson and Alexander 46). However, recent translations of the Bible have placed the word homosexual into the text. By using the word homosexual in the Bible, the current meanings, definitions and cultural understandings are ultimately perceived as having existed back when the Bible was written. It “assume[s] that people and groups of the past understood their sexual intimacies the same way we do” which is highly problematic for many reasons and especially for today’s readers of the Bible (Meem, Gibson and Alexander 12). As John D’Emilio mentions in the reading “Capitalism and Gay Identity,” “homosexual behavior is different from homosexual identity” so applying our current understanding of the words homosexual, or gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer to the past creates inaccuracies (D’Emilio 63).

Most notable perhaps of Bible passages, where the word homosexual has been added, is in the addition to the list of sins in 1 Corinthians 6:9. Where the New Revised Standard Version keeps the words “male prostitutes, sodomites,” the New Living Translation changes “sodomites” to “homosexuals” and the English Standard Version changes both to “men who practice homosexuality.” Unfortunately, the contemporary understanding of homosexuality (as an identity) is often projected into the past understanding of the sexual acts detailed within this Bible verse. Currently, scholars still debate Paul’s “ambiguous” meanings of the Greek words used in 1 Corinthians (Meem, Gibson and Alexander 16). The reading of this verse then leads many, especially those who view the Bible as inerrant, to “condemn [homosexuality] because it is immoral, or decadent, or ungodly” as mentioned in the reading “Should Homosexuals Be Eliminated?” (85). Although the Bible does mention certain sexual acts, it is important to understand those acts within the culture and time that the verse was written and to understand that the changing of “male prostitutes” and “sodomites” to “men who practice homosexuality” transforms the meaning of 1 Corinthians 6:9 by projecting our contemporary meaning into the text. 

Also, it is significant to use perverse presentism to be critical of a “global gay identity.” Since not all words have the same meaning cross-culturally or transnationally a global gay identity does not exist (Meem, Gibson and Alexander 3). The existence of a gay identity, within the United States, did not exist until the industrial revolution and capitalism provided the opportunity for individuals to live outside the family unit. D’Emilio states that “the historical development of capitalism … allowed large numbers of men and women in the late twentieth century to call themselves gay … and to organize politically on the basis of that identity (D’Emilio 61).  However, that gay identity does not transcend the location where it was created and should not be used to describe other cultures or times. In relation to religion, considering that a “gay identity” did not exist until the early 1900s in the United States, the word ‘homosexual’ placed in translations of the Bible cannot and should not be read with our current understanding of what it means to be gay.  Or to use the words of some anti-gay folks, the Bible does not mention anything about a ‘homosexual lifestyle’ because a gay identity did not exist when the Bible was written.    

Ultimately, Halberstam’s idea of perverse presentism is important in not only LGBTQI identity, formation, and understanding but also in other endeavors where a social, historical and cultural perspective is important to its understanding. 

Stand Up by Sugarland

How I love this song.

Poem

I wrote this poem a few weeks ago in reaction and response to the recent news coverage of the LGBT suicides and to homophobia in general.

This is NOT an "It gets better" poem.

It IS a "WE CAN MAKE IT BETTER" poem.

It is called, "Will You Stand?"

So..
Will You Stand?


I can understand feeling so alone
that you would want to take life
and hold it in the palm of your hand
before chucking it into the wasteland

I can understand how everything can be so out of control
that the only thing remaining is breath - the breath of life
and yet life remains theirs
the fears that one day their worst dreams will come true
so that at least for now it is best to just take a step off the chair
exhaling
before the rope tightens
wound around silencing their voices

I can understand the stress to just keep on breathing
To remind yourself that not everything has a purpose
and not everyone understands
that the looks and comments don’t mean a thing
because labels only hold truth if you let them
and I long ago found the bounds that tied the words to me and I cut them

I can relate to those feelings of hate
Directed at me but not for me
for hate is just fear
and have I not said things that could create hate
just because I was afraid
so why should I let those fears bother me now

I have long felt the betrayal of silence
Just standing by while the hate continues to take
to the air wishing it would fly away
and not just south for the winter
Hate that comes down bursting like bombs
rippling out like water after a stone has been thrown
plunging down into the depths
The depths where the silence is heard but never broken
Where some days I want to scream at the top of my lungs but don’t
Because I can't or Because I won't

That defeating silence -Where the battle is lost before it’s begun
So Deafening - you wonder – if there was ever sound?
Or the rhythm of your heart - Beating
Where People, full of knowledge, remain voiceless, wordless, unspoken
And everyone’s lives remain Broken
because the line between what is and what could be has become a wall so tall
that try as you might you just can’t see at all

But it’s time now for this silence to start breaking
so Today I Stand and Speak Truth
so maybe one day our youth
will believe that
Life
Is Worth
Living

© November 2010

QUIET!

I’m QUIET
Or so I’m told
QUIET?
Yet, I think I’m bold

Why must QUIET be so bad?
Does QUIET equal sad?
Because right now QUIET is Mad
Talking to talk is not talk at all
But why must I talk to walk tall

You label me QUIET
But I want to define
Still - Calm - Tranquil - Silent
QUIET - You say because I don’t speak
Let me assure you it’s not because I’m weak or meek

The quiet, the calm, the silence and still
The moment you actually use to prepare
That moment you have to think to yourself
And arrange all your thoughts like books on a shelf

The QUIET you see is no QUIET at all
Because inside my brain nothing stops nothing stalls
The reason for QUIET is that there is not
One simple and somewhat complete little thought
But many ideas that continue to spin
Many times they just never end

So that silence you hear
Lack of noise; void of words
Is QUIET - like that tree that falls
Did you see? Were you there? Was there sound to be found?

Cuz, I hear what you’re saying and I kinda agree
But inside I’m just not QUIET as can be
Cuz QUIET to me, is the tiniest sound
When that golden red leaf falls to the ground
And when I speak up, when I have something to say
That QUIET you thought just washes away

Cuz QUIET is more than no noise
Yes, QUIET is the calm and the storm
QUIET is Rain running - Hail bouncing
Thunder booms and Lighting strikes
QUIET is the whistling wind
And waves crashing on the shore
Yes, QUIET is such a bore

But I’m quiet
Or that’s what I’m told
Quiet!?
I’m BOLD.

copyright 2010

Five Hour Energy

This commercial is really pissing me off! There is so much to say about the "second job" she has! Why is the husband the "know it all" who is NOT helping put away the groceries or anything!  What does this commercial say about women who don't have enough energy to do both of their "jobs" ... oh ... don't worry we have the solution - five hour energy. But yeah it is still your responsiblity to have a job and take care of the family so your husband can read a magazine. And don't forget to give him the credit for thinking that five hour energy is the solution to your lack of energy problem. Not like he should get up off his butt and actually help do anything. He is "just a man" clearly he can't handle doing any housework!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cqsDtClCs0

Eve's Mouth

Alix Olson

Love is Love

Showed this in class to represent heteronormativity, heterosexism and homophobia.

Rachel Maddow

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Watch the end with Melissa Harris-Lacewell.  She is amazing!!!  Check out the quotes I love below.

"There is no place in the world and no time in history where restricting women's reproductive rights makes a people or a nation more free or more equal.  These extreme positions on abortion are without any question a war on American girls and women and the fact that there are women who are both complaisant and participatory in it is really neither surprising nor unprecedented.  It is always been true and it is incredibly important that we recognize that despite the fact that we can be very proud of these women as women and as politicians that the question is how do women as citizens fair on the other side of them being elected or not elected."

"The point of government isn't to make life so hard for half of our citizens that the only force there to help them is god. We as a government and as people deserve and should do better."

Just Because

I'm amazingly happy being the truly wonderful unique person that I am!  There is nothing you can say or do that will make me think any different. 

change?

Do Does Did
I Me You
Fit Belong ?

I thought I found a place where I was able to fit or belong. But really everyday since that time I have felt distant, not a member of the group. What has changed? How have I changed? How have I created the distance that separates us?