NYC PRIDE - 40 Years

Three years ago, I was in New York City and had the opportunity to watch the Pride Parade.  It was fabulous, funny at times, and too much "visual" at others (put on some more clothes people).  We got all sorts of free stuff on the side lines of the parade: papers, lotion, shirts, condoms, stickers.  I felt quite ignorant of LGBT history.  At the time, I did not know about the Stonewall Riots of 1969.  And I certainly did not know that the NYC Pride Parade is the oldest parade starting in 1970 after the Stonewall events the year before. It is the longest parade I have ever seen, a never ending rainbow of people and places that are supportive of the LGBTQ Community. We were there for at least 5 hours and left with it still going.  When I told someone that I had been to the Pride Parade they asked, "How was that?" like it was some kind of weird thing and they seemed surprised that I enjoyed the experience and that it would be one of the last things they would ever do. 

Throughout my life, I have known people who identify with one or more of the letters of LGBTQQIA.  In high school, the clique I was part of included those who identified with the LGBTQ community.  I remember one girl having difficulties taking her girlfriend to the high school dances, not to the degree of Constance McMillen but still the administration seemed to have problems with it.  It was easy for me to have my boyfriend of the time attend dances with me even after he graduated from high school. This is probably the first time I became aware of heterosexual privilege.

But I was not aware of my own homophobia until my first and second year of college when a close friend came out.  It was not that she identified as bisexual or lesbian that bothered me, it was a long time coming, but how everything suddenly seemed to be LGBTQ related or had to be LGBTQ related.  I respectful call it her "rainbow phase" and am thankful it only lasted a year or so.  I selfishly wanted my friend back.  I could not relate to her sudden enthusiasm for all things rainbow.  I now wish I had been able to understand that it was her excitement for finally being confident enough to be her true self in front of others or her friends at least. I hope that I did not act too homophobic at the time. Seeing as we are still friends I'm guessing I acted fine about it. I guess I felt like she was flaunting it or something. But really I'm sure I flaunted my assumed heterosexuality (during high school) much more but because it is so normalized within society we don't see it as flaunting. 

Since that time, I have became immersed in the feminist community through women studies classes and groups.  Being a part of this community, it is second nature to refer to your partner and leave out pronouns in order to be an Ally to the LGBT community and remove that heterosexism and heteronormativity, to actively go against the "norm."  

It has been somewhat shocking to be removed from that protective bubble of women studies. For the first time in years, I heard someone say "that's gay" when what they meant was "that's stupid"  or some other word. I haven't heard that since high school and even then some teachers were making an effort to stop people from saying it. 

I have also recently experienced women calling men gay for displaying "feminine" characteristics or knowing "feminine" things.  Which if you think about it is women being homophobic and mostly sexist toward themselves.  If you are female and you make fun of a male for displaying "feminine" characteristics then really you are just making fun of yourself or your stereotypical gender role and being homophobic in the process. This goes back to the basics of sexism.  What is the worst thing you can call a woman? Bitch, slut, whore, etc. What is the worst thing you can call a man? Fag, girl, bitch, pussy, sissy etc. "Notice anything? The worst thing you can call a girl is a girl. The worst thing you can call a guy is a girl. Being a woman is the ultimate insult" (Valenti). I would hope that women would refuse to participate in this kind of sexism that is ultimately really detrimental to themselves but alas they still do it. Also, it is really terrible how masculinity is enforced through homophobia.  But that could be a whole other post.

Another instance of homophobia I recently experienced was while watching some wedding show like "Say yes to the dress."  I was somewhat watching it while writing, within a group of women, at our weekly dinner.  There was a lesbian couple on the show and the show told the viewers their story of who proposed and such. I was actually happy about the fact that the show included them to begin with that it was annoying when the other women had to assign gender roles to the lesbian women, calling one the man-lesbian (who proposed) and the other the woman-lesbian. They felt the need to make sense of the relationship in heteronormative ways because both of the women were shopping for dresses and therefore were outside of the gender norm for a heterosexual relationship. And both were feminine lesbians (gasp!) which went against their ideas of lesbians being only masculine or butch. Or at least having one lesbian fit that masculine role within the relationship.  I immediately spoke up to ask them what they were doing and why they were doing it. "Why are you trying to fit this couple into stereotypical gender roles they clearly do not wish to belong to?" Really!? (Update: I knew when I asked them that it could have just as easily been me and my future partner on that show. Not that I was out to this group of women at this time.)

The point of this post is to make you think about your own homophobia and heteronormativity.  Really think about why you may want to say "that's gay" or why you tease men about being gay because of their display of femininity.  What are the real intentions behind your actions? Do you really want to perpetuate that kind of sexism and homophobia? What are you really afraid of?