Letter to my future Love

Dear Love,

Yes, you. The one I will love and who will love me.

I'm writing to you now in hopes it might help to manifest your being. Your being in and a part of my life. (I hope you already exist or maybe we have already met). 

I want you to come to love me and all my wonderful glorious flaws. First you should know I'm a work in progress and I'm beautiful. I respect and acknowledge that you will be too. To that end I want you to be imperfect and willing to admit your mistakes. 

I want to argue with you over stupid little things and find a compromise and be able to discuss in detail the deeper important things too. 

I want you to know that the way to my heart is to let me share my life with you. I may want to discuss crazy little things everyday - this is me showing interest/love in you. When I stop sharing, really sharing, then you should be worried. Because I show interest/love by talking/sharing - if you don't talk to me - I'll be worried you don't like me or I've done something to upset you. 

Communication is important to me - so I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about any and everything, especially when you are upset with me. I want to know. I want you to tell me what's wrong and I promise to listen if you promise to share your truth.

I want you to be comfortable holding hands (with me) in public. I love to show the world who I care about. 

I want to spoil you in all the ways you want to be spoiled. And I want you to want to spoil me too. 

I want to have inside jokes and shared glances. 

I want us to be comfortable being together in silence or just watching tv together. 

I want you to notice me checking you out. And for you to check me out too.  

If I'm sharing my feelings with you, even (or most important) the bad ones, it means I really trust you.

I hope my friends love you as much as I will. I want to meet your friends too. 

When you are feeling down - I want to be there for you and to do something to make you feel better.  

I want to support you and your interests, projects, goals. I wish for you to support mine too. 

I want to dance with you and cook with you and clean with you. 

I want to know where you are tickleous. 

I want to know all the places I can kiss you and drive you crazy. 

I'm sure there are many more things to list - but I also want to know what you want from your future love. And I want to be those things as best as I can for you. 

I know you will come when you're supposed to and perhaps when I'm least expecting it. But whenever that time is I'll be ready and willing to work on having the best relationship with you. 

Sincerely and with hope, 

Your future love

Holidays and coming out

This year I put on my wish list a cute lesbian romance movie. It had been on my list before and I didn't get it. I wondered if it was because of the subject matter or because no one had heard of it before so they just didn't want to get it for me. I got the movie from my aunt who I've never come out to because of the possible repercussions my mom might face at my expense. I consider the fact that she got it for me a positive thing. Yay! Holidays and coming out in small ways by not censoring your wish list... that's something crazy to do - censor the things you want because of their content. I haven't actually done it completely - but I did really think about adding that movie to my list the first time I did it. Then I said, "Fuck it" and put it on the list.

However, after the holidays and spending time with family and having lots of fun with my parents, my parent's friends came over to visit. I've known them my whole life. Of course the male friend asked me "when you going to get a ring on that finger?" -- There were so many answers - I just kept my head down looking at my hot cocoa. I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.  It was obvious my parent's had not mentioned the the tiny fact I'm gay. (Maybe hoping that might change if they don't mention it).  I was wondering in those moments how my parents would feel about me saying as a response "Well I can't legally get married in this state." I also thought of the smart ass comment "I wear rings on lots of fingers - just not right now."  Or the more appropriate "You could have talked all night and not said that." -- I was "rescued" by the guy's wife.  And then my mom. All comments were heterosexual in nature. The women came to my rescue at the question of me needing(?) to be married (by a certain age?). It was then I thought of saying "Well I don't date men .. so...it really doesn't matter" -- But instead I was frozen as all the thoughts swirled around and I couldn't say anything because I didn't know how my parent's wanted me to react to their friends. I'm sure I looked visibly upset at this question and just didn't know how to respond. I had said before I wasn't going to lie about who I am. But sometimes it's easier to play along and sometimes it's really painful to have to think so much about what to say in order to "avoid" some awkwardness.  

Am I supposed to come out in these moments? Should I just play along? Should I have a feminist smack down and deconstruct why he is even asking such a ridiculous statement just because I'm female?

It would seem my parents aren't comfortable with my sexual orientation.  

Closing Hurt

I think I have written this letter at least a thousand times in my head. It has taken on many versions but they all include the desire for closure. I realize I don't actually need you for closure, but sending this thought out into the universe seems appropriate for me. So here goes ....

Dear You,

I'm sorry. No, I'm not just sorry. I want to express the deepest most sincere apology to you. You asked for space so my extreme reaction could subside. That was three months ago. I'd like to think it has subsided but it lasted for much longer than I anticipated because I thought I needed to talk to you in person for it to actually go away. I don't think that will ever really happen - you and I together in person. I don't believe you want to be friends any longer. You asking for space seems to be a polite way to say goodbye to me - to distance yourself from whatever stress I caused you. I believe I lost what little trust I had from you. Or what little bit you let me into your life. I know you well enough to know that.

I had a strong reaction to what you said. I was angry at those who came before me and hurt you. I was angry that those people ruined my expression of love. Mostly I was angry because people have hurt me too and I knew the place you were in. It felt weird to be on the other side and I hated myself for causing that sort of pain for someone I cared for; even if it wasn't directly me causing that pain, I was an echo of those that did. I realized that I don't have any control over the past and that made me angry too. And I hurt because you shut me out. Feeling all those things at once and not knowing what to do with any of it hurt really bad too.

And I lost you - the person I talked to most.

So I'm not just sorry for what happened and how I reacted but I want to be sorry that awful people exist and hurt others and I want to be sorry that you ever experienced any of it.

I also wanted to help. I've been there too and I know how much work it takes to overcome. Overcome is not the right word though because it is a constant struggle. I have to remind myself to enjoy things, to not freeze up, and to breath. Sometimes I forget to remind myself.

I also wanted to say thanks. Thanks for trusting me enough to try. Thanks for being there over the year we became friends. Thanks for listening and responding all the times that you did. And thanks for challenging me too.

Maybe after more time/space you will want to speak again. But after two months of no communication it's time for me to move on. I am sorry. I had wished that you might message. That you might say "Happy Belated Birthday" or "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Happy New Year." But those times came and went. I did not message you. You did not message me.

If you don't remember anything else from this message - I just want you to know that I grew a lot from our friendship and will always hold you with high regard and I'm sorry for how things ended.

Goodbye for now.

But until we speak again, please know that I wish you a lifetime of opportunities for all the happiness in the world.

With sincerest apologies of love,
An Old Friend

The bonds that break

I haven't posted in quite some time. In one of my last more personal posts, I discussed the role religion had played in my coming out. I wrote this post some time ago but I'm posting it now.

It is sad to think that coming out was the driving force for leaving a church community.  Having not grown up with religion - it was never something I completely relied on. But I did enjoy it while I could.  That is until I kept thinking that if any of the people I was getting to know actually found out that I was a card carrying lesbian and also believed in a God that they "knew for sure" did not approve of my "lifestyle" - I knew there would be some discussions had and friends lost in the Church community I was attending at the time. (I know there are many open and accepting places).

I came out pretty early on to a good friend who I had known for 7 years at the time. She grew up going to a Baptist Church, and was registered as a republican though would've been considered a hippie in appearance for at least part of her life. She is still deeply involved with her church. She said in her response to my coming out that it wouldn't change our friendship or how much she loves me but that she didn't know if she could be happy for me either. And I get that. But in that moment of reading those words - our friendship had changed. How can you love someone if you can't be happy for them? As much as she may have questioned my decision to come out, I surely questioned whether she would support my future decisions in the same way I supported hers.  I could still be happy for her ... but she didn't know, at the time, if she could for me. She also acknowledged that it was not her place to know or judge what was right for me.

Her response was very real and depicted that struggle that I have seen from conservative religious folk as they question the "rightness" of homosexuality while also trying hard to not lay judgment. Honestly, I was saddened by her response. I was troubled that my sexual identity would/could ruin our friendship. That I could ruin our friendship just by being me.

But as that has come to pass some time ago. We remain in contact from time to time despite our physical distant. We discuss some of life's moments. I tend to leave out the gay things. (Does that mean I tend to leave out myself?)

I try to understand how people have such a hard time with something that goes against their core beliefs.  While I may disagree with those beliefs, it doesn't make their feelings or my life any less real.  And I think that all who come out go through those same feelings she was having.  Can you imagine not being able to be happy for yourself? Can you imagine knowing that your attraction, that feels so right and normal to you, is not 'right'? Can you image growing up or going to or believing in a faith community that actively says that who you are is wrong, that what you feel is wrong, that you must change, etc.? Grappling with these differences can be the most challenging thing and leads many to take their own life. Internalizing those messages can be very hard to overcome. And is an ongoing process for folks in the queer community.

So it is really sad to think that coming out could be the driving force for leaving a church community. Sad that many are turned off from religion because their sexual identity is generally not approved by other folks in that religion. Sad that of all the reasons one might leave church, sexual orientation was it. Sad that a public statement of an identity would lead to not being able to be present in that community (where present is more than just showing up). Sad that so many people face the tough decision of either being true to themselves or keeping their community. Finding new community is hard. And being true to yourself can be even harder.

I'm not sure these ramblings have a point. And I'm not sure they need to have one. I lost community because I decided to be true to myself and come out. My friendships changed. But I also made new ones. And I'm not hiding who I am. I can only really know what is true for me... and you can only know for you...